RECAP: GIRLS EP 1 (FINAL SEASON)

Okay. I got a request to recap this show's final season and at first I wasn't really feeling the idea so I said I'd think about it. 

A couple joints later I said "Fuck It. I'll do it" like every black woman in America. 

So episode 1 ...... here we go

I'M IN PRINT BITCH 

Nothing brought me more joy than seeing that fake philosophical deep voiced prick who sounds like a slightly higher pitched Robert Barone from "Everybody Loves Raymond" dickhead Adam cringe while reading Hannah's story in the newspaper. Serves that piece of shit right. 

I've never liked that guy on this show. Ever. Jessa has always been a piece of shit and has owned up to being a piece of shit so I expected this shit from her but that guy just pisses me off for some reason. The sound of his voice makes me want to head butt a unicorn. 

ME, ME, ME 

Well it wouldn't be "Girls" without Marnie talking about her favorite subject, herself. First we see her and Ray having sex as exciting as Ben Stein's voice then Marnie proceeds to do what she does best. Complicate shit. She tells Ray he can't sleep at her place every night which I am sure that she requested him to do so in the first place. Men always want space. I refuse to believe Ray wanted to sleep there every night while still paying rent on his apartment.  

Once he agrees to go stay with Shosh that's when Marnie starts tripping and shit. Now of course staying with a ex should bother her but this shit is her fault because she wants to listen to a online therapist. Who in the fuck does online therapy? Never knew that existed. If you're gonna tell me how fucked up I am I prefer you do that to my face. Only online therapy I ever done was watching Shia Labeouf and his Kurt Russell ponytail telling me to "Just Do It" on youtube over and over. 

Who wants to stay in a apartment that always smells like fish and sex? Marnie is totally selfish in this situation. Ray doesn't want to stay at the Krusty Krab formally known as his apartment. Let him live. 

THE BEACH IS BETTER 

Hannah has her first assignment working for "Slag Mag" to go to the Hamptons and watch rich white ladies take surfing lessons. I think that sounds like a fucking nightmare. I've talked to plenty rich white women at nice bars and shit. They usually just talk about vacations, yoga pants, Kale salads and their secret cocaine habits. The secret cocaine habits is the only thing I'm interested in. 

We meet Paul Louis the surf instructor. His name sounds like he was a philosopher in the 1500's who frequently collaborated with Rene Descartes. He had a creepy assistant too. I was high watching this episode and his assistant just creeped me out with his backwards hat over his Matthew Mcconaughey hair. I was worried. 

Hannah finds out she hates surfing. Watching Hannah over the course of 5 seasons I know she has the athleticism of a retiree. She can't jump over a blu ray case so trying to stand up on a surfboard is out of the question. 

She ditches the surf class to let her vagina get some rays and drink her way out of hell she offers Paul Louis some drinks and this leads to a night of drunk dancing, drunk karaoke and drunk attempts at fucking like a yoga instructor. 

MORNINGS WITH SHOSH 

We see that Ray and Shosh are 100 times more compatible than Marnie and of course Marnie notices this so she looks like an idiot because this wouldn't be happening if she kicked Ray out of her apartment. Marnie just knows how to take a good situation and fuck it up with her bullshit and this situation is just another thing on her resume of ruining her life for no reason. 

I like Shosh and Ray together. Shosh is young and aware. Ray is old and aware. They just work. 

THE MORNING AFTER 

After fucking on a bunk bed and living the dream of Brendan Huff and Dale Doback and complimenting Hannah's world class pubic hair Paul Louis offers to show Hannah what makes the beach cool. 

Looked like a cool day to me. Making out on the beach, watching "Hangin With Mr. Cooper" while smoking a joint then talking on the beach about the difference between love and hate. 

Paul Louis and Hannah are different but they're the same if that makes sense. They're both from Michigan and grew up differently. He opened a side of Hannah that she never really seen. 

DESI BACK 

"Aren't you excited!? Desi is back!" Said no one ever.

I was actually counting the time to see how long it takes before he cries like a bitch like he does in every scene he's in. Desi cries more than the women on the Maury show that finds out Robert is not the father.

Desi and Marnie are going through the divorce shit and who gets what and I'm laughing at Desi's holy Kanye West sweater. Only thing I got from this scene was that Fleetwood Mac is pretty dope. Dreams is a great song and Marnie complicates her life again by fucking Desi and I can't wait until it falls apart again. I just want her to admit she's her mother and can't be compatible with anyone in life ever. 

How does Desi fuck Marnie again? By talking about her. Surprise. 

WHY GET MAD AT FUN? 

Paul Louie reveals to Hannah that he has a girlfriend like it wasn't shit. Hannah doesn't take the news well at all. i think Paul Louis was shooting for the potential 3 some. Why get mad at fun? 

Good episode. I'm more interested than I was than Season 5 first episode. 

Okay. I'm a go eat some jalapeno's. See you next week.