IT'S NOT YOU... I'M JUST FOCUSED
I get invited to a lot of things. Events, Parties, Concerts, Kickbacks. Everything. I’m flattered as fuck of course. Sometimes I think “Why are they inviting me? They should be inviting women not me.” I think women make every event worth going to. Just my opinion.
Lately I’ve been getting some concerns for my overall well being and I truly appreciate the concerns. I’m not used to getting checked up on so that means a lot to me but trust me I’m happy and well.
Some people have taken my distance the wrong way. Some people think that I don’t like them and I rather keep to myself instead of vibe with them. Some think i’m depressed. Some thinks my age factors into my distance.
Trust me when I say this. I love everyone. I don’t care to dislike anyone anymore. It’s not you. I’m just focused.
I feel some people read my introvert article and applied it to recent events. Nothing wrong with that. You have every right to because I meant what I wrote. I’m really an introvert and I’m working on being more social but that’s only part of it. I’m just so fucking focused right now on improving my writing in every way possible and that's my priority with my health being the first priority.
When I don’t show up to your events, parties, meetings. I’m not at home with my feet up eating gelato binge watching Netflix. I’m at home writing and if I’m not writing I’m pacing around the crib talking to myself, brainstorming ideas for future writing projects. On my momma if I blow off something I planned to come to that means I’m writing or finishing up a project.
Writing I just can’t put to the side and come back to. I give myself deadlines because it’s the only way I’ll get things done. If I’m behind on my work I will stay in my workspace until it’s complete. I would love to go out on sunny days sit outside and drink lemon water and eat tacos but all I’ll think about is the money I would be saving by eating a PBJ Sandwich and writing at home instead.
I can’t get that time back and I’m at an age where time is EXTREMELY valuable to me. I didn’t take up writing in my early or mid 20’s. I started writing in Nov 2015. I want to get to my 10,000 hours in the next 4 years. The past is the past and I fucked up a lot but I feel God has granted me a second chance and I will not fuck it up this time. My partying days are over. My jam days are done. I’ll jam every once in a while but the consistent jamming Benny been done. I’m so behind on life because of poor choices I’ve made and partying played a huge role in those bad choices. It’s not you. I’m just focused.
My process consist of my undivided attention. I have to be really observant. If I wanna recap a series I have to sit, take notes, watch key scenes over and over. It’s takes time and that’s not even the writing part. If I’m listening to someones music and I want to write about it I have to be focused and undisturbed. I can’t get shit done going out all the time.
I work a regular job 40 hours a week. I go to the gym immediately after work 4 days a week for my health then go home and start writing. I realistically have 6 hours every weekday to get some writing done. I have to be up at 6am Monday through Friday so I don’t fuck around with my sleep.
I get some writing or studying done and go to bed. If you invite me to something within my 6 hour window of writing time it's likely I'm not coming. If I went to everything I was invited to I would have a fucking mental breakdown and I'm not about that life. The weekends I’m off so I try to at least write 4 articles every weekend. My whole weekend is just writing. It’s not you. I’m just focused.
You know how many trips I’ve cancelled recently? Money wasn’t the issue. Ever since I started this shit I look at the book hotel or Airbnb button I’m about the press and think to myself “Somebody wants it more than you nigga. What you doing? You jamming or is this business? If not then what the fuck you going for?” I tell myself “You right” and get back to work.
I want to be one of the greatest writers of all time and I won’t get close to that fucking around. If I’m a travel I have to turn it into writing and my destination has to intrigue me to write about it. I can travel every month if I wanted to and I want to but I have to grind. I have to practice. I have to WORK. You can’t shortcut hard work. I’m eating PBJ or salad every fucking day, saving money, and writing my ass off. A lot of people are way more talented and wittier than me but what they won’t do is out work me. That’s the difference.
I’m tired of being a fan in the crowds of festivals and concerts. I want the credentials. I want the backstage passes. I gotta work my ass off to get to that level and I WILL get to that level. I won’t get there just going places just to be going. I canceled the group trips to Vegas. It’s not you. I’m just focused. It gotta be overseas trips or I may not go at all.
I don’t have huge connections. I’m not using anyone’s name to get ahead. I’m doing this all by myself with no help and I got my name ringing for something fun and positive in the streets. This isn’t enough though. I still have a long way to go. I have to keep working until this is my job and it pays my bills. That’s one of my visions.
I’m learning how to screen write. I wrote 3 awful TV scripts. Got feedback from some loved ones and they all basically said they were all trash but tried to be nice about it. I was upset about it because I worked hard on them but I took my emotions out of it and realized it’s practice. I’m learning so that’s why I’m at home studying screenwriting books, TV shows, and youtube writing tutorials instead of being out here drunk somewhere every weekend. I want to work on a TV show one day. I will be on a red carpet one day. I just have to learn the basics though and that’s what I’m doing with my free time. It’s not you. I’m just focused.
Yes I’m a homebody but the reason for me being a homebody lately is me setting up my future. I want to jam while living my dream and that will happen as long as I keep putting my work over the fun at the moment. Actually the work is fun right now and I’m enjoying it a lot so that’s why I think I’ve found my calling. I’m in love with the process. I’m having fun being broke and writing. So I can only imagine what it will feel like when I’m financially set while writing.
To all the people out there who party and kick it a lot I’m not bashing you or what you're doing. I know people who are artists that party and are still focused. I’m just saying that way doesn’t fit the space I’m in right now. It’s not MY thing.
Also if you have a friend that’s put their passion over hanging out don’t put them down or try to persuade them to come out. Let them cook and support them and let them come out and kick it on their own. Don’t hound them about it because it’s not about you. It’s about them being focused.
PEACE.
