#TBT POLITE REVIEW: THE PLAYER'S CLUB
I don’t participate in the throwback thursday shit. I don’t like uploading pictures from my childhood every week or uploading shit from last year like most of these weirdos out here. So if I’m going to contribute to throwback thursday I’ll do it my way. Reviewing some throwback films. So on #TBT Theatre we have The Players Club.
The Players Club is about a young black woman Diana Armstrong (Diamond) 4 year experience as a stripper tweaking that ass at night and as a journalism major in college during the day.
I’ll just give you my thoughts as I’m watching this. I haven’t watched this shit in a minute.
HOW DIAMOND WAS BORN
So Diamond wants to go to a black college (HBCU) or a “Nigga College” as her father calls it but her father wants her to go to a white school. Now we all know this is some bullshit. Black fathers not opting to pay more money for a more expensive school their child don’t want to go to. Unless it was their alma mater. Niggas gone act like the dad from “Everybody Love Chris” when it comes to paying for college. They’ll just be happy you’re going to school and pray you go to Flo Valley cause they can afford it.
We find out Diamond is pregnant which makes her father more of an asshole because he just kicked his pregnant daughter out of the house because she chose a different school than he wanted. That man not shit for that.
She meets Ronnie and Tricks at her job at Shoe Carnival. I dunno if she really worked at a Shoe Carnival but all I know is every heel in that muhfucka was ugly. Tricks looks like she give good top and makes fire grits. Ronnie look like she smell like salmon and will set you up over a QP of some mid. They persuade Diamond to strip at “The Players Club.” Dollar Bill the owner from Chicago takes a look at that ass and she starts that night.
Diamond nervous as fuck and she gives her first lap dance to a nigga named Myron. This nigga Myron looks like he’s the head of human resources at a accountant company and buys lunch for all his co workers all the time but they have no idea this nigga is a strip club creep and has murals of prostitutes and strippers in his closet next to his Brooks Brothers shirts. He look like a nigga that properly labels his porn.
Diamond then gets a boyfriend named Lance. When have you met a Lance in life that wasn’t a fucking weirdo? Lance looked like a nigga that sniffs his female co worker chairs at work when they weren’t in the office. He was dirty looking nigga too. The “I didn’t do anything yesterday so I’m not taking a shower today” type of nigga. Overall Diamond feels her life is on the right track.
THE LITTLE COUSIN
Diamond’s younger cousin Ebony from Florida comes to live with her. I’m going to assume Ebony was out of control in Florida possibly hoeing it up and her mother couldn’t take it anymore. Why would she send a 18 year old wild child to live with a single parent who’s stripping and going to college full time? Makes no fucking sense and you knew she knew that Diamond was a stripper because black families nosey as fuck.
After Dollar Bill gives a heartfelt, passionate, inspirational speech about the skripping bidness that was better than any speech Abraham Lincoln bitch ass ever told in history, Ebony is ready, willing, and able to become a professional pussy popper.
We soon find out that Dollar Bill took out a $60,000 loan from a down south playa named “St.Louis" to start “The Players Club” and hasn’t paid a dime back. So this deacon at the mount zion missionary baptist church looking ass nigga pays Dollar Bill a visit with a shotgun and warns him to start making payments to St.Louis.
EBONY WILD
Diamond tries to keep a watchful eye over her impressionable 18 year old cousin and mold her into a professional in a strip club. I have a better chance of fucking Sofia Vegara in the white house than Diamond keeping Ebony on the straight path in a strip club.
We get to my favorite part of the movie. Lisa Raye naked. She couldn’t dance on beat to "Seems Like Your Ready” but that was the least of my concern. Lisa Raye was looking like a beautiful chicken tender with the good honey mustard.
We see the troubles of Diamond’s relationship with Lance. This weird nigga sat in the dark and waited for his woman to come home. I told you niggas named Lance are weird. Only females do shit like that. You supposed to drink beers and pass out til your woman come home to wake you up, you argue, fuck, and go to sleep. Simple. This nigga acted like a housewife instead. We see Ebony fast ass come out in her drawls on purpose and of course Lance looked. Ebony successfully planted the hoe seeds. It’s only a matter of time from here.
DOLLAR BILL SCAN
How you try to finesse 60 grand from gangsters then have the nerve to come out in broad daylight and think they weren’t gonna find you in that bright ass tropical skittles suit?
As this nigga gets kidnapped by Charlie Murphy and Terrance Howard I thought to myself “There’s no way in life I will ever be scared of a nigga that looks like Terrence Howard.” Charlie Murphy. Yes. I’d be scared of that nigga cause he sounds like he has a garbage disposal in his throat and seems like the kinda guy that sucks women’s toes with no shame. That’s a dangerous nigga no doubt.
EBONY HOE TRANSFORMATION 89% COMPLETE
Ebony drunk around the club. She Indirectly tells Ice Cube and that other nigga that be in every black movie and black show but no one ever knows that nigga name, that they can pay her to fuck. She hanging with Ronnie at weird white guy police fetish parties. She’s almost at Super Saiyan levels with her hoe shit.
DIAMOND ROUGH LIFE
Lance aka "The nigga that didn’t have a fresh lining this whole movie" breaks up with Diamond then Niggas at her college made fun of her. I mean who teases strippers? That’s definitely some odd shit. That nigga Stanley from Friday (Diamond’s college professor) finally sees what she does for a living and she runs off in embarrassment. Ronnie tries to rape Diamond again but Diamond is saved by Ice cube shooting up the club.
You ever notice in every movie Ice Cube writes that he has to be fighting or knocking somebody out in it? Like he’s super tough in all his movies but the kid ones. Nigga please lmao. This nigga shoots up a club and isn’t in jail for attempted murder and gun charges? Shit fake as hell.
Diamond goes home only to be stalked and frightened by that nigga Myron who basically blew his 401K on Diamond paying for lap dances for 4 straight years. She runs to look for Ebony and sees that Lance weird ass fucked Ebony in her bed and Diamond tries to take that nigga soul with a revolver and Ebony's hoe transformation is complete! Just because she transformed doesn’t mean she can fight Diamond hit her with a clean right and threw her the fuck out.
THE BACHELOR PARTY
Ronnie has been trying to recruit girls to dance at her brother Junior bachelor party but everyone has turned her down. Either Junior gotta be a lame ass nigga or broke because strippers will dance at bachelor parties quick as fuck. Your sister a stripper and can’t get your shit cracking?? Don’t worry Ebony dumbass comes in to save the day.
This nigga Junior waiting by the door with his ear to it like he never seen a stripper before. How you this excited for a stripper and your sister is one? Ebony is clearly nervous and doesn’t want to dance but Ronnie finesses her into doing it.
Ebony did finally act responsibly and tried to call Diamond to come get her but it was too late. The bitch did so much in under a month she had no one in her corner.
Ice Cube lies and persuades Junior to go into the room and fuck Ebony and this idiot rapes her. I’d never hang out with that nigga who played Junior in real life. Everybody he come in contact with either dies or is on the brink of dying. He raped Ebony, got Caine killed in Menace II Society, got that nigga in Set It Off killed. Yeah movies fake but I still don’t real life trust that nigga.
Ronnie comes back and sees what Junior did and gets the fuck outta there and Diamond shows up shortly after and sees what happened to her cousin.
GRAND FINALE
Ronnie runs back to The Player’s Club like shit ain’t happened and Diamond finds her and wants the fade. In cases like this you always bet on the pretty girl to win the fight. Pretty girls can fight like a muhfucka especially in St.Louis and New York. They crazy.
Diamond beats the shit out of Ronnie because Ronnie can’t fight. How is this bitch the size of Dwight Howard and can’t fight?
12 come and arrest Ronnie and Tricks and off to club sugar daddy them hoes go.
St.Louis finally sees Dollar Bill so he finally exits the car and shoots The Player's Club the fuck up in a wheelchair. He was really on some final boss in a video game type shit. Dollar Bill tries to escape but is caught by that Deacon Jones looking nigga and he throws him the trunk and that’s the end of that nigga.
Charlie Murphy then does some terrorist shit and blows up The Player’s Club with a rocket launcher. All you smell probably after that is burnt ass and mustiness in the air.
Diamond graduates and becomes a news anchor which I find hard to believe for the simple fact she can’t talk, like at all and they not hiring no former stripper. It’s harsh but it’s the truth. Can’t have people watching the news and saying “Oh shit I placed a dollar bill in her g string with my mouth before!” Nah not happening.
This movie trash as fuck with awful acting but I love this shit. Absolutely love this shit.
