A POLITE REVIEW: BRIGHT

Spoilers. Don’t read beyond this if you haven’t watched this film.

Warned your goofy ass. 

Aight. 

Some people think I’m into weird shit. I’m really not I just fuck with anime and cartoons and people with weak ass imaginations think that’s weird but when people kept asking me to watch this Bright shit and I seen some blue Hellboy looking ass nigga in a cop uniform I was like “Nah….Nope.” I like my sci-fi animated my nigga. I’m not fucking with the realistic bebop and rocksteady from Ninja Turtles shit. I never seen a Star Wars movie in my life. I never seen a Star Trek movie in my life. Never seen Harry Potter, Lord Of The Rings. I like my Sc-Fi movies where niggas dying, blood everywhere, getting they faces melted off and sprinkles of titties throughout the movie. Like the movie Aliens I fuck with that and Predator I fucks with that. "The Thing" is one of my favs. I’ve seen all the Twilights. All of them. Only because the girl I was fucking at the time asked me to go see the last one with her and at that point I watched none of them so by default that doesn’t count because that falls under the category of pussy and historically niggas have done dumber shit for pussy so I get a pass for watching them shits. 

All of those Twilight movies were trash by the way. Every got damn film. The pussy wasn’t trash though. That was top shelf no prices on the menu high quality. So no regrets. 

Don’t remember where I was going with this but I watched “Bright” and here’s what I thought.

Starting out this blue alien nigga they call a "Orc" is buying a burrito while Ward (Will Smith) getting his chest caved in by a shotgun. Now I sympathize a lot with this scene because burritos are important. What the fuck was this nigga Ward thinking? You entrusting a nigga to get YOUR burrito? Doesn’t make sense but I let that slide. He basically hated that blue nigga guts the whole movie because of the incident when he really should’ve been thanking him. He bought you a burrito bruh. Think about all the people you’ve bought tacos and burritos for in your life. I bet you would kill for them and you love the shit outta them. People I’ve shared burritos with are people I think and cry about when I’m drunk listening to “My Dawgs” by Lil Baby. 

Daryl Ward kinda a broke ass nigga but here’s where things get unbelievable in the movie. More unbelievable than the aliens and fairy shit. Ward living with a 101 pound white woman with no ass who works in a hospital and she looks like she has Meghan Trainor on her heavy rotation category on her Apple Music account and yall ain’t got no bread bruh? Now if Becky had some ass on her and knew a knew a Nipsey Hussle verse or 2 then I’d be like “Okay that’s real” but I’m not seeing that. 

The first part of the movie everybody just act like she hoes towards Nick Jakoby. Once they get to the Shield stash house that’s when shit gets fun. I like action. I don’t give a fuck how trash the movie is. If there’s some good action I’m watching that shit. Nigga I watched damn near all those Fast and Furious movies. Not for the trash dialogue, Vin Diesels corny lines, and Tyrese crybaby ass. I watched cause I knew cars were about to flip off cliffs and moonwalk in the air and shit. Once niggas started bussin that’s when the movie won my attention. They found a little elf girl in the safehouse and a magic wand which can grant you anything you desire of course who comes in makes shit worse? You guessed it. The police. So after the wand comes into the picture. All hell breaks loose. Now I don't give a fuck about acting, dialogue, none of that. Just start blowing shit up. 

Ward was taking a little too much abuse in this movie bruh. First you let a nigga with a Mustache thicker leftover bacon grease talk about your daughter. This nigga literally had a Mr.Potato Head mustache in real life talking about ruining his family. He gotta turn that boy into tator tots after that. Then he let 4 weak ass co workers punk him over that wand. Nah we gotta run the fade. Nobody step to me like that. One of those weirdos had a pedifile mustache too. 

The movie was nothing but action after that point. The Mexicans were going crazy basically shooting up every establishment in Los Angeles. It was gunfights galore and mothafuckas getting they ass beat or shot up the rest of the movie. The head elf Leliah came in on some Kill Bill shit killing every damn body. This bitch took out a swat team by herself. Shit was hilarious. 

I don’t wanna even go into every detail after this point. It was mainly just action upon action and then Will Smith is discovered to be a Bright. Meaning he's a human that can touch a magic wand without exploding. I mean who the fuck didn’t see that coming? The writing from that aspect was predictable. You can tell the dude who directed Training Day was involved with this movie because there were a lot of similarities in it. Like with the Orc Mikey refusal to kill Nick at his father’s request because Nick helped him escape from the police in the alley the day Ward got shot. Similar to how in Training Day Smiley didn’t kill Jake in the bathtub because Jake saved his cousin from being raped in a alley. 

The writing was the Achilles heel of this film. It felt real scattered. The messages are very scattered in this movie. Police are evil. Humans are greedy/evil. Everyone thinks Orc’s are black people but they were hated for a different reason than we are in the movie. Orcs were hated for what they did to every species thousands of years ago. We were hated for no fucking reason. Basically out of jealousy. I’m assuming they needed something to separate the comparison. I think they wanted show that race or gender doesn’t matter in this universe/movie. You had a female Asian police chief. Mexicans and Black people getting along. The scene at the Orc club/rave where every race and creature was chilling and getting high. I don’t know what the fuck fairies are. I don’t know the shit weird. Is this forced in the movie? Sure. Is it accurate? Who knows. 

Riding through Elf town every Elf owned a foreign like a Migos verse. I guess the elves were supposed to be Jews and essentially a race that can’t be touched because of how economically powerful they were. But when the prophecy is explained and how the unbloodied orc saved the world thousands of years ago and how humans and orcs are the saviors, it basically implies that the elves are evil species. I dunno I’m getting a headache thinking about the shit. 

Can’t forget about the little subtle shit like Nick getting lynched. Ward saying he can’t sell his house because of gangsters just hanging out on the front lawn. Fairy lives matter. That shit was kinda cringe worthy. 

On the police side of things. It’s accurate. They stink. I really liked how they showed the police shit and how corrupt they are. The shit they tried to do to Jakoby real. In the real world they do that shit to real cops who really try to do their job. They did that to the cop who solved Biggie Smalls murder. All the good cops either get forced out of a job or they dead for trying to do the right thing. 

The action was entertaining and kept me in tune but was this a horrible movie? No. I’ve seen way worse. The critics are owned by Hollywood and that’s why this movie was bashed so hard. Netflix having huge success with movies means the movie theaters become obsolete to majority of society. I’m a movie buff so I’ll always fuck with theaters but the average Joe mothafucka when given the choice to go to the theater or turn on their streaming box from their couch and save $79 dollars from a movie date gone chose the crib every time. Hollywood fears that. Reading the reviews I was expecting pure dumpster juice and that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t a great film but it wasn’t bad either. Would I pay to see it? Nah. But that’s why Netflix is dangerous to Hollywood. You’ll stream shit you’d normally wouldn’t even entertain and they’d make money off it. Before seeing shit in the theaters the shit you always say to yourself is “This shit better be good” because you just paid hella money and you left the comfort of your home to go see it. 

I would’ve also liked to see Ward’s family in danger in this film. He really had no danger except for losing his job and financial struggles. I wanted the stakes to be higher. Jakoby had way more conflict cause he had the world and his own kind against him. Ward and his family didn’t. His wife and daughter just had their scenes and that was just it for them. This movie was long as fuck too. Some things I would’ve cut out and the humor was pretty decent. Classic Will Smith humor like jokes and sarcasm in the middle of gunfights. 

I think with a few tweaks a sequel to Bright could be better. 

3 outta 5 fruit snacks. 

Peace.