A CUFFING SEASON GUIDE

Let’s be real. It’s only niggas looking to cuff. Not women. A lot of women don’t really give a fuck bout cuffing season like that because they know that they’re the prize and they’re smarter than us. So I guess this for all my G’z out there. 

It’s kinda weird and sad that people only wanna “play relationship” when it gets cold but that’s a whole different conversation but we gone have fun. I’m a seasoned veteran that’s not really participating in it anymore but I can still share some advice, my experiences, and thoughts with you. 

First things first. Your draft. Who to draft for cuffing season is the most important because you’re basically signing to a contract. These are the things you need to keep in mind when you’re looking at your draft board. 

MOODINESS

You’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Especially indoors. It wouldn’t be the smartest decision to draft someone with multiple personalities like Sensui from Yu-Yu Hakusho. If you didn’t understand that anime reference I’ll make it easier for you. You don’t wanna chill with someone that has the personality of a Nicki Minaj verse. Quiet. Loud. Quiet. Loud. Get that shorty some help. It’s important that you figure out their moodiness meter. Everybody moody in some form but you gotta figure out who is tolerable. 

FOOD

If they cook and cook well then They’re a lottery pick. Don’t take their word for it. Niggas and bitches be lying. That’s too easy. Ask the people around them about their cooking skills to get confirmation. Put your investigator hat on and get that info. You can’t be looking malnutritious like 50 Cent when he lost all that weight for that straight to B.E.T movie he was in. Also keep a lotta fruit around. Real ones love fruit. 

FILTHINESS

You ever been in a cuffing season with a person that ain’t nasty? I have and it’s like buying a edited Trina album or a edited Rico Nasty album. Boring and pointless. Sure the conversation may be good but damn don’t I deserve someone who can fuck the soul outta me and turn me into a zombie from the Michael Jackson Thriller video? I think I’ve earned that much. 

MOVIE & TV TASTE 

If their movie and tv show taste is trash you might not last. Can’t be watching bird programming all of cuffing season. You’ll drive yourself insane and their approval rating will drop down 3 points. I can’t be watching marathons of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. I don’t even want that shit in the background when I’m fucking. Knock it off. HBO, AMC, or black sitcoms only. Oh and Food Network and HGTV too. Netflix and Hulu originals included, depending on what we talking bout. I can’t be giving a shorty backshots with “Star” playing in the background. I have a reputation to uphold. The Sandlot should be getting watched. Hey Arnold should be in rotation.  

LIQUOR 

The top 3 liquor you need in cuffing season rotation is Tequila, Wine, and Cognac. That’s it. Even my beloved Whiskey and Champagne will take a backseat to cuffing season. I’m still drinking whiskey though so I don’t care. Tequila you can make margaritas with so that’s a no brainer. Wine can go with meals and while you’re watching niggas build patios and kitchens on HGTV and feel like a baddie housewife. Cognac for when you playing Marvin Gaye while joaning on each other. 

PLAYLIST 

Your playlist game gotta be godly in cuffing season. Make a playlist of all the fire shit starting from the 70’s up to now. So one minute Stevie Wonder playing the next minute Bankroll Fresh playing. If you helping each other clean whatever crib yall at that playlist gotta be flames. Good music always makes things better. Just chilling with candles burning, a drink, some trees, and Teddy Pendergrass just makes sense. 

Now those are the most essential things for the draft. Here are some other things to keep in mind for yourself. 

Does she have a lot of pillows? Do you have a lot of pillows? I need a pillow for my neck and back like Ezell from “Friday” Are there a sufficient amount of blankies in the residence. Coziness is always a priority and always will be. 

Your curl and dips game gotta be the best it’s ever been. You’re entering a season where cuddling is at all time highs. Your arm can’t be falling asleep in under 30 minutes like a bitch nigga. You gotta get that up in the 3 hour range per arm. So you need to be on your prison workout regimen. Curls for the girls. Arms looking like Spongebob fake inflatable arms but yours is real with no additives or preservatives. All natural. You ain’t gotta be super cut up. Just get your arm strength up. You bout to have a human full body weight laying on your arm day in and day out. Get prepared. 

Next. It’s time for you to be a thief King. You already cold as fuck cause she has taken every hoodie you own with no remorse. You had 5 key pairs of grey sweats and you look at her Instagram story and she wearing yo grey sweats singing Cardi B lyrics like everything is okay. So it’s time to return the favor my niggas. It’s time to take some body butters. I don’t give a fuck if they got you smelling like fanciest girliest bitch alive, take that shit. If she got some good sheets take that shit too. I don’t care if they don’t fit your bed. You’ll cross that bridge when you get to it. The natural hair products she got, treat it like Red’s chain and bike and take that shit. The good facial products she got? YOURS! Start using em so your face can start shining like Martin’s “MyMommaBiscuits.” 

Cuffing season is a weird trend and it ain’t really shit but dating with a funny name. Cuffing season is year round. You think niggas not shacking up in July? You think these niggas gone stop cuffing when March hit? In the words of 50 Cent “These niggas is so emoooootional.” These emotional niggas not un-cuffing nothing. 1 of 2 things will happen after March hits. They will become needy, overly emotional ass niggas and super dependent on the woman to the point it’s just too fucking much and the woman will try to get out of the situation. The other thing that could happen is the man and woman friendship evolves during that time and they will be in love and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s the route I prefer people go in. 

Have fun and be real. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Which isn’t much but aye flex. 

Peace. 

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