TYPE OF SINGLE

What single are you? Don't lie.

THE “I’M GOOD” SINGLE

You really don’t give a fuck about anybody but yourself. I think I’m about half in this stage personally. It’s one of those instances where days I think about it and be like “Yeah I could do a relationship.” Then there’s other days where I look at my schedule and think to myself “I have to MAKE time in all of this shit to give a woman my time?” Every woman is needy in a relationship. I know I may get in trouble for saying that but it’s a fact. In a relationship they not having that I need “Me” time shit. If a woman is bout that then she a mothafuckin unicorn. They have to be around you at least half of your day and you have to communicate the whole day you not around them so technically your whole day is your shorty. I wanna believe that relationships are just fucking, getting off fly fits together, and eating only but that’s not real no matter how bad I want it to be real. Let me get back on subject. This single person is content and unbothered by being single. Men or women are not a priority for them and they’re happy as fuck being alone. They have passions, hobbies, a dope circle of friends, a cool ass pet, some good ass weed, love Pinterest, not pressed for sex and not sharing food with niggas. They’re really living their best life and some people think they’re weird that living their best life doesn’t require another human being. They really not sweating nobody and they genuinely happy by themselves.

YOU SINGLE IN TITLE ONLY

These the single people who talking to one person and may respond to other people in their DM’s and texts but they have no shot and those people don’t know that. They’re only truly talking to one person and just waiting for that moment where the relationship is made official. This is dangerous because people are not completely honest when they do this shit. They’ll do relationship shit and move in ways people in relationships move but they don’t have any understanding of what’s okay and what’s not between them since they’re both technically single. People never set boundaries when they do this. You play imaginary relationship when you on this shit.

THE “FLIRT” SINGLE

I flirt. A lot. I’m not gone even front. The reason is because I don’t take nobody serious. Everybody be playing to me. So I say fuck it I’m a play too. Everybody just be talking shit and not bout nothing so I don’t really view my flirting harmful. The flirt shoots the shots and walk away from the basket before even seeing if their shot went in and then when somebody actually take you serious and it be like “Aight boom they really like you like you” and you be like damn I was tripping I don’t really want nothing. Basically these people are assholes. Me included.

STUCK ON MY EX SINGLE

These the niggas and bitches that just can’t let go of the past. It will take them YEARS to get over that person they were in a relationship for years with and all they do is talk about their ex when nobody trying to hear that shit. I’ve done seen it all. I had an ex text me while I was on a date that she see me with my date and wanted me to link back up with her after I was done with my date. Take your extra ass home. You got the ones that refuse to give anybody else a try because of their belief that they will rekindle that flame with their ex. You may get some potential fucking when they in between people but a relationship not coming dawg. Let it go and stop telling everybody “We’re getting back together.” They’ve had their heart broken and they don’t know how to function or move on. If they do move on to someone else their heart isn’t in it and that relationship won’t last.

THE EXPERT FRIENDZONER

You ignoring everybody who likes you and you like “nah I’m good” regardless if they’re a good person for you or not doesn’t matter. You don’t like them and you have placed them into the friend zone and locked and threw away the key. You’ll text the expert friendzoner all day and they will go on twitter and tweet “I need some real conversation” and you’ll clutch your chest in pain. Just take your L and leave them alone.

THE IN-DENIAL SIDE NIGGA/BITCH

You single but you chasing and thirsty for somebody who’s in a relationship already and you in denial about being the side hoe. I’ve been this person and I used to be conflicted because on one hand it’s some weak shit to try and ruin somebody relationship but on the other hand I’m a believer of going after what you want. Now that I’m older and been through more shit I realize that this just some weak shit all around now. If it will be it will be. You won’t have to chase nobody or interfere with shit. Trust me they will come to you without any persuasion from you at all. If I can persuade you to leave somebody then what’s stopping you from leaving me if somebody does the same shit I just did? I look at people character a certain way when they on this type of shit.

THE THIRSTY SINGLE

Anybody has a shot with this person as long as they have a pulse. They have a profile on every dating app. They go out on plenty dates. If you show interest they already planning out the rest of their life with you. They’re clingy as fuck and their tweets are usually trash. Their tweets either about being hurt and how nobody real, all their relationship goals or their fake hoe life. The worst is when they try to tweet nasty shit cause it’s like “Damn this is what you resort to for attention?” Sad. All they talk about is their want and need for a relationship or soulmate. They don’t know how to be by themselves. They hate being single and sometimes they try to attempt the hoe life but it just ain’t in them. They need somebody in their life. They’re really fucking creepy. People usually fuck this person and go ghost on this person the most because of their thirstiness.

THE COMEBACK KID

This high-key my favorite. This is the single person that got dumped and was in a bad spot mentally and depressed but then realized that they really a baddie in real life and they realize the person that left them was toxic for them and realize it was a blessing and they out here doing they mothafucking shit. They look back and think “I was really tripping” and of course their ex come crawling back but they don’t fall for the trap. They move on and continue to grow. I love when people realize their worth and don’t let anyone effect it. They go on dates here and there and they usually end up with the person that was truly meant for them.

THAT FUTURE UNCLE/AUNTIE SINGLE

This the person who just not built for relationships and they low-key know it but they can’t trying anyway and they don’t really know how to be in one and they will be that future Uncle or Auntie who pulls up to the family functions with the nice BMW or Escalade truck with a different date every time. Uncle Raymond pull up in that truck with the earpiece attached to his face and a Coogi fit and a pretty young thing in the passenger seat. Your Auntie Regina a little more ninja like. She pulling up to the function in that BMW with her bob haircut with not a nigga in sight cause she told that man she’ll meet him after her day is done. They not having kids. Their nieces and nephews will be their kids and they will buy them kids everything. Basically they some playas and it’s hard to tame them and they make it hard for people to settle down with them. Mainly cause they Alcoholics. Unk can’t put down the Paul Mason and T.T can’t put down the wine. Aye man this sound lit kinda. This might be my lane.

THE HOE

The other half of my life. The holy grail. When you’ve unlocked all the cheat codes. There are no rules. You can’t hurt a hoe feelings. They’re bulletproof. They do what they want when they want. There is no relationship or single talk in the hoe mind. Hoes are about eating good and fucking better and that is it. They make people upset because they’re living freely and people are still held captive of what people might think of them so that’s why the resent and envy the hoe. The hoe is not concerned with their dating future. Whatever happens, happens. It’s like Money Mitch in Paid N Full. Yeah a hoe got niggas and bitches on their roster they could leave the league but if they leave will they ever truly fuck again?

Peace

@politeasflannel

@jayjaybenny

@politecoolery

Listen to the blog podcast Polite Coolery.

Benny