HOW TO BE A PROMOTER
This is a guide of how to be a party/club/event promoter in St.Louis and other places too.
First things first. You call Boosie and Jeezy every morning before you pray to God and you book them every month. You gotta have them on speed dial. You’re not a real promoter until you do not know any other artist but Boosie and Jeezy.
You always gotta be a step behind in terms of music and have no taste of your own. You have to go with what’s hot. Claim your name holds weight in the streets and your name will sell the tickets but book every hot trap rapper you can. Fuck what your taste are.
Annoy people with your terrible flyers with terrible art on them on every timeline imaginable with terrible art on them. Then annoy everyone to post your flyers and change them to their profile pic since it’s their responsibility even though they had nothing to do with it. On MLK weekend have Martin Luther King Jr on a flyer with 2 mobiles in each hand hanging out of a dodge demon and name the event “Trap at Last.” Don’t forget to put Bernice Burgos on the flyer to remind the streets that she won’t be there. Don’t forget the most important part and that’s randomly place a alcohol bottle or beverage somewhere on the flyer and don’t forget to remind the streets that it’s a grown and sexy event. You gotta let people know you not fucking around and you mean business when you say this is a grown and sexy event. If they come to your event and they’re not grown and sexy then you will not accept their money and they’re are fucking dead in the streets like Money Mitch said.
Wear all bootcut jeans. Don’t matter what brand. True Religion. Levi’s. It don’t matter. If your jeans aren’t bootcut there’s no way you could be a promoter. A club promoter never got a fit off ever in history. You gotta keep that tradition up.
Never admit you took a loss. Outta the 8000 people you spammed about your event on social media only 5 people showed up. Never tell the people that fact. That’s how they know you real.
Never think outside the box. Do everything over and over again. Never have an actual innovative thought. If everyone throwing a day party you throw one too. If everyone is using the same club you use that one too. If everyone in the city booking the same artist you book them too. I mean God forbid if you come up with something creative that makes people say “Wow I never done that before.”
Try to fuck everybody hoes. Even though your presence near the pussy brings the pussy stock plummeting down to record breaking lows please continue to attempt to fuck every hoe you see and use your powerful influence to get women into the lounge you’ve booked over and over and never mops their floors.
Keep tagging people in shit when they’ve asked you not to. You have special powers. You have spidey senses that are able to sense when people reminding their business and don’t wanna be bothered.
Lie to us and tell us it’s popping. Continue to be a inconsiderate fuck and text your friends “Are you coming?” Over and over and try to force them to leave their comfortable home and to come to a mid party/nightclub.
Continue to hate on the art events even though their events do more numbers than yours and have way better shorties in attendance. Do not collaborate with them at all costs. Just steal their wave and contaminate it with your bullshit.
You niggas made hookah popular and real niggas will never fucking forgive you for it. Bird bitches and niggas who listen to Post Malone will love you though. You good.
Always have a trash ratio in all your events. So for every one woman there’s 9 guys. But as long as it’s at capacity with men making up 80% of the crowd. You good. I mean that’s what people go out for right? To see men. Not titties.
You gotta have "All White Parties" 363 days a year. The other 2 days are when you get your rest your days off.
Don't forget to harass the photographer for the pictures he or she took of your event 2 hours after they took them.
Be sure to force a line even though your event emptier than Uncle Phil living room on the last episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. There’s only a average family household in attendance but as long as you make people wait outside in line for no reason no one will ever know and people will actually pull up.
Make sure it’s never the price you say it is even when people come early. Forever finesse.
Please be an aspiring rapper. It comes with the job.
Never pay the DJ’s. Blame the bar or owner on why they can’t get paid.
Work a regular job in the day time and be ashamed of it. Pretend that job does not exist.
Hang your Steve Madden shoes in the rafters when you retire.
I’ll leave you with my final piece of advice. Start promoting food. Bitches be hungry.
Peace
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