A POLITE REVIEW: CAPTAIN MARVEL

Okay I’ve never been a huge fan of Captain Marvel. I’ve haven’t read a lot of comics on her because she didn’t really catch my eye as a child but I know about her through The Avengers. I knew her as Ms.Marvel but I didn’t go into this movie really caring about Carol Danvers. Believe it or not Captain Marvel is not a popular comic hero. No one cared bout that shit in the comic book stores I went to. I just wanted to see the Skrulls. Although the rights to Super Skrull is currently being held hostage by Fox I still wanted to see the Skrulls on the big screen.

So what I liked about the movie.

The Stan Lee tribute and cameo was great. Thank you for my childhood Stan.

Nick Fury had a lot of motherfucking screen time and I was motherfucking elated because of it. Did not expect Fury to be in the movie at the length he was. A pleasant surprise.

I liked Nick Fury and Captain Marvel’s chemistry. That was better than I expected it to be. It had that buddy cop movie feel.

The 90’s nostalgia was great because I grew up in the 90’s and it reminded me of a simpler time.

The Cat/Flurkin is in theory more powerful than all the Avengers except Vision. When I saw the cat swallow the tesseract I was like HOLY SHIT! So that cat could actually fuck with Thanos. Anybody swallows the tesseract they are dying. That Cat/alien ate it like a taco and kept it pushing. You can’t even touch the Tesseract. It’s that powerful. This thing ate the shit.

Okay so that concludes everything I liked about this movie. I was supposed to see this twice. I had a ticket for opening night for a month and a half and then I was gonna see it again the same weekend but that is NOT happening anymore. I’m not sitting though this shit twice. Here’s what I didn’t like about this film.

The villain is incredibly weak. Marvel films has always been notorious for weak villains. Even in good movies Marvel have done, they would have weak villains in them. We just came from Thanos to this space geek mothafucka in Captain Marvel. There was no clear cut villain. The Skrulls flip I was not expecting. I was not expecting the Skrulls to be the good guys. I’m not one of those people who wants everything to be just like the comics. If you go away from the source material just make sure the shit is good and I won’t trip. Ben Mendelsohn as The lead Skrull did a great job. I really wanted The Skrulls to fuck shit up but I feel that them being good can lead to them being even better villains in the future. Because what we saw was just one group of Skrulls. The human race has good people and pieces of shit people. The Skrull race I’m sure have the same thing so there could be evil skrulls that sets up "The Secret Invasion” (Google that. Dont feel like explaining) in later films. A Skrull also called himself a refugee in this movie. Yes that happened. They also used The Supreme Intelligence aka Marvell as a plot device which is super wack because Marvell is such a huge part of Captain Marvel’s story. We’ll get to another thing about Marvell later.

The comedy was non existent. Which is odd for a Marvel film. Even bad Marvel films at least have some comedy in them. This doesn’t. I think I laughed twice during the whole movie.

Captain Marvel is the most forced character in the history of the MCU. This movie was forced as fuck and you could tell by how much they tried to cram into the story. We have to figure out her background, figure out the Skrulls plan, reunite her with her past, the source of her power. It’s too much and they tried to fit everything into one film. Avengers Age Of Ultron had the same issue. Age Of Ultron was a filler film. If they wanted Carol Danvers to be relevant and have her appearance make sense then Captain Marvel should’ve been introduced 3-4 movies ago just like Black Panther was introduced in Civil War. We got Black Panther's background out the way in Civil War so when it was time for the Black Panther film to release we jumped right into a solid structured story and his background story wasn’t needed. Captain Marvel didn’t have that same luxury and they just threw her into the MCU. Actually if she would’ve debuted in End Game that would’ve been DOPE and then have the solo film after The Avengers. That way it would’ve been a passing of the torch for the next 10 years at that point. Cause if they would’ve had End Game be the only film after Infinity war the stakes would be so fucking high because no one would’ve seen Captain Marvel in action. We would have no clue on what strategy they would have to win. Now that I’ve seen her in action I know she can hang with Thanos. Her power is sourced from an Infinity Stone. She’s the real deal power wise. I think they would’ve had a better chance at a better film if they waited after End Game to do her solo film. They made sure her movie was released after the most controversial ending in the MCU with Infinity War and when Fury dropped his pager when he turned to dust Captain Marvel’s symbol was shown and of course people who don’t read the comics and only know the movies asked “What does that mean?” and when they found out they were like “Oh I need to see that!” It was the perfect setup for Marvel’s first female solo movie.

The forced feminism was annoying. It was damn near a propaganda film. They had the major fight scene with “Just A Girl” by No Doubt and that was the goofiest shit I ever seen. It felt like a bootleg Guardians Of The Galaxy scene. It took away the stakes of the story and that’s when I knew this movie had no business being made. It was only made this to have a strong woman counterpart to The Thors, Caps, and Hulks of the universe. This movie just constantly and blatantly shove the feminism down your throat at the expense of making a great film. The crazy part is they would’ve gotten their point across through action instead of flashback scenes of men telling her she can’t do shit and making inappropriate jokes about “cockpits” it was so forced. All they had to do is show how O.P she was and the message would’ve gotten across. What made Wonder Woman great in that regard is that instead of beating you over the head with feminism in that film they subtly placed it throughout the film and that stuck with the viewer more.

Speaking of Propaganda. The Kree were protecting their borders from The Skrulls who’s planet was destroyed by the Kree army and now they’re misplaced with nowhere to go. So the Kree were Donald Trump and The Skrulls were Mexicans. Okay man we get it. Why in the fuck is it here in this movie? Fuck Donald Trump and anyone who loves him. I don’t wanna see that bullshit in my superhero films. This shit is so blatantly obvious. It’s so fucking forced. It insults my intelligence with how blatant this shit is. As a writer that shit made me cringe. Like who thought this was okay?

BRUH THEY MADE MARVELL A FUCKING OLD ASS WOMAN NAMED WENDY LAWSON!! WHY IN THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING??!! IT’S SO UNNECESSARY. JUST FLAT OUT DISRESPECTFUL! WE GET IT!!! IT’S ALL ABOUT FEMINISM BUT CMON MAN DAMN!!!! THE FIRST MAN TO DEFEAT THANOS IS SOME OLD WASHED UP WOMAN PILOT NOW???!!! HUH??!!!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! LONG LIVE DR. WALTER LAWSON!!! One of the best story lines in Marvel comics history is the death of the original Captain Marvel and they didn’t even use that story. That is bullshit. No mention of him at all. Just a change of gender. Un fucking believable.

S.H.I.E.L.D just don’t add up. Hawkeye and Black Widow alluded to in the Avengers that they’ve never dealt with outside forces/aliens in other galaxies and they didn’t really prepare for villains such as Loki but how does that make sense when Fury met Captain Marvel in the mid 90’s? Ultron was literally about to drop a fucking country on Earth and Nick Fury doesn’t think it would be time to page Captain Marvel? He just knew The Avengers would win? This is more proof that she’s being forced into the Avengers story. Fury knew of Skrulls who can shape shift and the Kree alien race. How in the fuck do you not tell your team about this? Loki brought an alien invasion to New York and this is shocking to everyone? Fury looked at a Skrulls dick the same year Tupac died. How is anything surprising in 2010? That’s not in Fury’s nature. NONE OF THE AVENGERS KNOWS CAPTAIN MARVEL EXISTS?? HOW IN THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE? Tony and Bruce would’ve figured this shit out by now if Fury tried to cover it up. It just makes no sense and don’t get me started on the tesseract because the fact it ended up in Wendy Lawson's hands from Howard Stark is not adding up either.

The relationship with Carol and Maria was so emotionless and it was Carol’s fault. Nothing stuck out about it. There was no connection between them and that’s because of Carol. Their friendship could literally not be mentioned in this movie and no one would care. I was literally watching the scenes of them together and I couldn’t find the connection of their friendship. The woman who played Maria did great but there wasn’t any chemistry between her and Carol so her performance is overlooked.

Brie Larson’s performance as Captain Marvel was pretty bland. It didn’t feel like the role was made for her and that any woman could’ve played the part. She’s a good actress but the script and writing screwed her over. She was basically “That chicken, it was dry” in human form. Brie acting was on one frequency the WHOLE FILM! There was literally no vulnerability, no emotion, she wasn’t relatable, she wasn’t believable, there were no layers to her character it was just like okay we have our lead actress now just go kick some ass and shoot beams out of your hands. She was the same character in the beginning and the same character at the end. No growth at all. This is where D.C got it right and Marvel got it wrong which is rare. Wonder Woman is a better film because you literally see 2 different women. At the beginning of Wonder Woman she was a fish out of water and at the end of Wonder Woman you felt she had a place in society and her confidence was different. She grew. Carol Danvers did not grow. She just got O.P as fuck and that was it.

Monica Rambeau (Maria’s daughter) is a little girl who is like Carol Danvers niece in the movie and it’s the saddest shit show I ever seen. First of all Monica Rambeau met Carol Danvers when she was grown as fuck. Why did Marvel do some dumb shit like this and have her in the movie as a child looking up to Carol? Monica was already that bitch before she ever knew Carol. I’m sure she’s gonna be an adult in Avengers End Game but I’m not a fan of her being a kid even though the actress did a great job portraying her. Are they going to have 2 Captain Marvels?

Okay the inconsistency of Captain Marvel’s powers is strange. She has trouble controlling her powers in the beginning with Jude Law. But the moment the mechanism on her neck is removed she becomes unbeatable which is fine but the fact she’s able to control her powers at that moment is bullshit. The mechanism on her neck neuters her powers and neutralizes it. If she’s unable to control it when the powers are in a neutered state how in the fuck is she able to control it when the full power is unleashed? Like how? Even the way she got her powers was uneventful. Like it wasn’t a moment. It just happened and that was the end of it.

The way Nick Fury lost his eye was just flat-out stupid. Incredibly stupid.

Nick Fury naming the Avengers after Carol Danvers literally almost made me throw up in the movie theater. Literally threw up in my mouth. It was that sickening and that fucking cheesy. The feminist agenda put it’s icing on the cake with that one. The Avengers exist because of this white woman’s made up nickname. I guess man. I guess. I feel like everything is set up for this woman to win and outshine everyone in End Game. She’s gonna beat Thanos and they’ve basically called her the forefather of The Avengers. That is not fun nor is it good storytelling that Captain Marvel comes in and saves the day by being the only character that can fight Thanos. They have to find a weakness in her or scale her back somehow so it can be a team effort. I don’t think the Russo Brothers would have her just takeover the fight but if it happens I would not be surprised. I have no problem with a woman being the reason humanity is saved IF IT MADE SENSE! IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM! Thor, Cap, and Tony character arcs have been built on 10 years of work so I doubt that Captain Marvel will jump ahead of them and be the star of the film. I’m praying she doesn’t.

The shots in this movie are BORING. Shot after shot the boredom grows and grows.

This movie drags in so many spots. The pacing is so inconsistent. The movie starts off bad and then when we get to Earth it picks up and then it drags again after they leave the military base it’s just so inconsistent and it’s frustrating.

This film felt like a early Marvel movie where they were trying to find their footing and test what works. This movie just felt like something they needed to get out the way because of Avengers Endgame and that’s it. I don’t see myself watching it ever again.

This movie is filler. Cool here and there but filler.

2 outta 5 fruit snacks.

Peace

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