A POLITE REVIEW: GUAVA ISLAND
Nigga I just learned the name of this movie after I watched it. I saw Rihanna was in it and looked for any picture on my Amazon Prime with her fine ass on it.
So this movie is about Deni (Donald Glover) a musician that works at the local radio station and Red Cargo (A slave factory and export business) wants to bring unity to Guava Island by throwing a music festival. The tyrant of the island does not want him to have this festival because people will take off work the next day or some shit like that. I dunno man, on more important matters did y’all see Rihanna titties in this movie? I did not give a tropical fuck about anything in this movie every time I saw her. Rihanna plays Kofi who is the opposite of Deni and wants to leave the island.
This movie is really short so there’s not much to unpack but here’s what I liked.
Rihanna is as beautiful as the first time you heard “Can you stand the rain” by New Edition. She can get me pregnant anytime. Planet Earth is old as fuck like a billion years old and we are lucky as fuck to be alive the same time Rihanna is to see the most DELICIOUS human to ever grace this planet.
I liked the way the film was shot. The animation of Kofi’s story at the beginning of the movie was really cool and pretty. Full of color and personality.
The kids trying to rob Deni with a broken power drill was hilarious.
That’s about all I liked. Let’s get into what I didn’t like.
The plot is very weak. The film is already short so there was really no room for a lot but I can’t remember any dialogue from this movie. Zero. No memorable lines. All I remember is Rihanna and dreaming about watching her eat 100 chicken wings naked.
The movie had a Michael Jackson “Moonwalker” feel to it except it was on an island. That’s not bad but in every scene Donald Glover appeared in there was some sort of performance of him dancing like a up to date house nigga. The moment I heard “This Is America” I knew this movie was going downhill from that moment.
Rihanna didn’t have any songs or performances in the movie. That didn’t make sense to me. She sings better. She dances better. She looks better. Why in the fuck is she not performing? You have a beautiful island. A beautiful and talented woman. She has something to sing about which is her dream to see life outside of Guava Island. Could’ve fucked around and made a hit single off the film. Rihanna not performing in this movie is like not having baked macaroni at Thanksgiving. No point.
This movie wasn’t a “Tropical Thriller” as it was described. It was basically an hour long Donald Glover music video dancing like he did multiple lines of cocaine and smiling like the daddy from Gullah Gullah Island.
Kofi’s motivation just faded away in the movie. It was like her dreams didn’t matter anymore once this nigga Deni started singing and dancing and it was weird as fuck. This nigga doing Lil Uzi Vert shoulder rolls so I guess it’s fuck my dreams I’ll stay and sew shit for $1.50 an hour.
Donald Glover kept the accent for about 3 minutes and this nigga sounded like Earn from “Atlanta” the rest of the movie.
I love music a lot but I hate festivals. They’re overrated. A festival was the most counterproductive solution for what was happening on Guava Island. Just stop showing up to work. What Red Cargo gone do? Kill all of them? Red Cargo needs the people. The people don’t need Red Cargo. Nigga I’ve been slaving for 14 hours a day. I don’t wanna see this.
There’s nothing in this film that really moves me as far as the storyline goes. There’s no character that stands out. Guava Island just exists.
I give this movie 5 outta 5 fruit snacks because Rihanna is looking like a combination plate with unlimited sides and that’s the only meaningful thing I can take away from this film and that’s the most important lesson too.
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