I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN LIFE

“I don’t know.”

When the answer would be “I don’t know” I used to get paranoid. I used to get so down on myself because it felt like I was weak for being uncertain about my life. I looked at it from the perspective of “Life is serious and you should always have some sort of certainty of what you want to do in life and how you want to live your life.”

I do a lot of things in my life. I write music and perform. I create online content. I write on this blog that you’re reading. I podcast. I collect retro games and toys but I can’t help but have the feeling that I should be doing more. A feeling of having a greater purpose. Instead I feel that I’m on autopilot. Nothing bad is happening to me. I’m doing some good things but I just feel like everything I’m doing is happening by default. The music I’m making is gaining traction and I just feel “meh” about it. I built a gaming setup and I feel “meh” about it. 

My birthday recently passed and it was the most uneventful birthday I’ve had in recent memory. It wasn’t completely sad but I just felt so hollow. I went outside my parents house and looked up at the stars. I don’t know why I looked up at the sky. I guess I was looking for an answer of why I felt the way I felt. It could be that I was desperate for a sign. I just remembered after staring at the sky for that period of time that afterwards I felt this urgency to find out why I feel hollow and search for the answer. It was like I made a vow to have a better answer than “I don’t know.” 

I ended up catching the stomach flu 2 days after my birthday which was the icing on the cake (pun intended) and as I was laying on my bathroom floor in agony I had nothing but time to sit with not only pain but my thoughts. The first thought I had was “When will I get over the flu?” I really didn’t know. All I knew was to do what I knew best. Try and drink ginger ale, which that did not fucking work. Ginger Ale is the biggest scammer in the black community. I don’t know why we ever thought that shit would save us. I drank some 7up and that helped. I tried to make some chicken soup but I was just too weak to stand. I just had to take it literally one second at a time. I didn’t know if it was going to get worse. 

This is where I had my “EUREKA” moment. It only took me damn near throwing up on myself to get to this point. 

Just like how I didn’t know when I was going to get better from the flu and just had to live through it. It’s the same across the board. You just have to exist in the “I don’t know” and just live through second by second and minute by minute. Create the best remedies that you can and see what works and see what doesn’t. It’s okay to live in the “I don’t know.” 

When you try to go against it and force an answer out of yourself, that's when you start to overthink. I feel it’s because we all feel that we’re entitled to an answer for everything. We want answers for everything and we want those answers to be concrete. When we realize that we don’t know we also realize that we are not in control and it’s difficult for us to relinquish that control in the situation. 

It’s just the way life is. Sometimes we just don’t know what the fuck to do and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to just pause and when you’re ready, affirm what you want in your life, and strategize on what could possibly be next in your life. Seek nothing. Just sit. As long as we don’t stay stagnant we will be okay. We just have to live through it cause even though living through it isn’t the prettiest or most exciting answer it’s the truth. We figure out what we can figure out just by living. It’s how we know what works for us and what doesn’t. It’s how we learn what’s important to us and what isn’t. 

What does the future hold? I don’t know. I’ll just live and find out. 

Love, Benny