BENNY'S THOUGHTS DURING A RELATIONSHIP

I think I'm one of those people who like the idea of relationships instead of being in them. Don't get me wrong I want one but I just don't like the pressure family and friends put on me about that shit. I get anxiety just from liking someone. I don't know why people don't like to take their time. 

I just want the relationship to just happen like, "Fuck it, you're here, I'm here. You're cute, I'm not. You're chill. I'm chill. Let's just roll with this." I just like to let things happen organically. Don't force me to do shit. I ain't for none of that. It's a turn off. 

Today people make relationships seem like work. Boring ass work. I'm not a "work" kinda nigga. I always want to play. I'm adventurous. Like Jeff Hardy mixed with Shawn Michaels adventurous. Traveling, Exploring, Flaming random people. Fun and simple pleasures.  

The relationships I've been in were kind of the same. Good times. Bad times. I'm chill. Women are crazy. The end. 

I want to go through the thoughts in the mind of a man in a relationship. Benny's mind. 

WHY IN THE FUCK IS THE HEAT ON? 

Never met a woman that's never not fucking cold. Ever. It could be literally hotter than me wearing a Eddie Murphy stand up leather suit locked in a 1995 Honda civic on a 98 degree day and a woman will tell you it's too cold in the crib.

POLITICIANS WILL TELL THE TRUTH BEFORE I KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS TO EAT.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO EAT??!! DAMN!!!!! I'M FED UP! JUST BE NORMAL AND SAY PIZZA!!!! She tell you it doesn't matter then you pick some shit you want and she has a look on her face like she figured out the passcode to your phone and went through your texts. 

SHE RATHER ME CHEAT THEN NOT BRING HER HOME ANY FOOD. 

If you come home with anything you better make sure she has some too if you value your life. 

FUCK!!!! (WHEN SHE CALLS YOUR NAME FROM ANOTHER ROOM). 

I know every man has felt like this. You tired. You done worked all damn day. It took every ounce of your strength not to punch the district manager David in his fucking mouth cause he had you fucked up at work. You finally make it home. You on the couch relaxed and locked in to watch some NBA on TNT and she calls your name and in your mind you're like "FUCK!!!! WHAT DOES SHE WANT?!!" 

It's usually nothing of importance.  

I WANNA JOAN ON HER FAMILY BUT I THINK THEY LOWKEY ALREADY DON'T LIKE ME. 

One of my ex's family hated my guts for no reason and they were some weird looking muhfuckas too. One of her cousins was shaped like Scottie Pippen's nose. I wanted to flame her family so bad. I couldn't though. They were waiting for me to go off so they could fight me. I just know it. 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LEGS? 

When you lay on the couch with your woman they all seem to do this weird shit with their legs and yours. They wrap their legs around yours like boa constrictor. I'm supposed to be watching football. A manly sport and I'm cuddling with my legs being held against their will. Which leads me to my next thought. 

MY ARM IS NUM! 

Whenever you take naps or go to sleep together your arm will always end up on the bottom all the time. You wake up and you can't even feel your arm and she wakes up well rested without a care in the world. Meanwhile your arm feels like Rick James face after a night out in the 80's. 

IF SHE EAT OFF MY PLATE ONE MORE FUCKING TIME! 

IT'S MY FOOD! YOU HAVE A WHOLE PLATE IN FRONT OF YOU! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU TOOK ALL OF MY TIME AND MONEY TODAY! CAN A NIGGA AT LEAST HAVE A FULL MEAL? DAMN!!! 

DAMN HER BODY WASH LOWKEY FIRE. I'LL JUST BLAME HER SISTER(S) IF SHE ASKS WHO USED IT. 

Women be having some fire soap bruh. The coconut, honey, aloe shit. My skin be like "New number who dis" when I use some of it. If questions come just shift the blame to her siblings. 

WHERE ARE ALL MY CLOTHES?

Sweats? Gone. Hoodies? Gone. Gym shorts? Gone. It's all fun and games until the homies call you about getting running some games up at the courts and you can't even drop buckets in niggas backs cause your woman confiscated every pair of gym shorts you own. Now you gotta go hoop in some sweatpants like the neighborhood crackhead. 

NEVER LET HER WIN. 

Never let her win in anything athletic. Well, let me take that back. She can win at some shit just never let her beat you at basketball. If your girl beats you 1 on 1 she is allowed to cheat on you. Look at me. Look at me. She's the captain now if she wins 1 on 1. She'll never let you forget that shit either. Cross her up and dunk on her. Go all out. Your relationship and rep is on the line. 

YOU WINNING THE ARGUMENT BUT YOU'RE LOSING THE WAR BIG FELLA! 

I'm not the arguing type. I tend to let things go regardless if I'm right or wrong. I can debate all day on some friendly shit but arguing not really my thing. When I do argue I use logic. Women hate logic and no matter how right I may be I'm just digging the hole deeper and deeper. Just gotta take the "L" big fella and move right into the makeup sex. It's not worth it. Live to fight another day. 

TACOS? ON A WEDNESDAY? SHE CHEATING? 

Women cooking tacos outside of Tuesday or Thursday has always been suspicious to me. She doing me like I'm Ron Isley or something? 

I DRANK A LOT OF HENNY TONIGHT. BEING A DAD DON'T SEEM THAT BAD. 

You ever on your way from a night out and you're so wasted off Henny that your girl gotta drive you home? I'm in the passenger seat just looking at her in amazement and "Knock It Out" by Yung Joc is just playing in my head over and over. I think to myself "Being a dad don't seem that bad."

When I drink Henny. The sex be extra as fuck. Sober Benny gives you a good 20-30 min. High Benny maybe 45 min cause high sex is some trippy amazing shit. It's like fucking on a cloud. Benny on the Henny is 2-3 hours. I'm not trying to fuck for 3 hours. Ever.

Henny just brings that out of you. 

When you in it on the Henny going half on a baby seems as awesome as a Martin marathon. 

SHE HAS MY LAPTOP! FUCK! I DIDN'T CLEAR MY HISTORY! 

I just pray she doesn't ask me who Jazmine Cashmere is. Clearly she's my accountant. 

HOW CAN I TELL HER IT'S GUYS NIGHT? 

For some reason women hate when you go out with the homies. It's so difficult to break the news to them that it's a guys night out. They can go out with their ladies all day and night but when we link up with the homies they assume the worse. We don't be on shit but drinking lemon water and talking about diversifying our business portfolios. Occasional bible readings. Talking about our killer savings on our car insurance. You know? Good guy fun. =) 

HER PRETTY ASS REALLY LIKE MY UGLY ASS. 

I mean, this woman has seen my bare feet, that's love. My bare feet look like blasphemy and like I walked to Toronto from St.Louis. She stuck around to sleep next to those? She a soldier.

I'm broke and I don't have a beard all like them pretty boy niggas. If God allowed me to have a beard that would be unfair for humanity. It'd be like prime M.J playing in the d-league. 80 plus points per night. God was like... 

"Benny, you're already funny and you're going to be one of the greatest writers this universe will ever see. To give you a beard would be too much my son. Since the world needs your writing I'm going to have to make you a 5 with a great sense of humor. Use it wisely my child." 

It is done my lord. 

To have someone that you can just chill with. Not the "chill" definition popular in society right now. I'm talking bout "damn this woman really fucks with me" chill. Yeah, it's the shit. We can do nothing together and be happy. We can do exciting things and be happy. Just my presence brings her joy. It's so dope to think about. 

Everyone meets for a reason. No matter the time or place. The fact that I could meet a woman that feels the same way I feel about her is just some cool shit. To have her happiness and my happiness meet in the middle and just take it from there. It just makes you sit back and think "Damn I'm blessed. Her pretty ass really like my ugly ass."

Love, Benny available now.