BENNY'S THOUGHTS ON SHOPPING

The phrase "Hell On Earth" every human has their version of it. My hell on earth is pretty simple

• M.Night Shyamalan Films 
• Aspiring Rappers 
• Friends (The TV Show) 
• Marketers 
• Coleslaw 
• Small Talk 
• KFC 
• Denis Leary 
• The Government 
• The Big Bang Theory...... fuck that show 
• Vegans 
• Wal Mart, Target, K-Mart...... fuck all of em  
• Shopping

Shopping was last but certainly not least. The holidays are upon us so that means everyone is shopping and no one has a brain anymore. Here are my thoughts during shopping. 

WHY ISN'T ANYTHING ORGANIZED? 

My anxiety goes through the sky when I shop because I can't find shit. Nothing is organized and if it is organized it's stored in a place that makes no fucking sense. I came here for an ashtray why in the fuck is ashtrays in the sports section and not in the home decor section? What fucking sense does that make? 

I've been wandering aimlessly for 20 minutes looking all over the home section because I thought ashtrays are used and kept in houses and you have them next to fucking tennis rackets. Yeah hold on guys let me smoke this cancer stick, ash it in my new ash tray and then we can resume our Volleyball game. 

I DON'T WANT TO SEE HUMANS TODAY. 

I don't like crowds. I'm not a crowd type of nigga. One of the reasons why I hate music festivals. I go to them because I love music so much but my anxiety hates them. Which is why I'm drunk as shit at all of them. Only way I can deal with them. 

There's nothing but humans when I shop and I dislike all of them. Every time I realize I have to shop I am reminded that I will possibly have an encounter with someone who is dumb as fuck. Whether it's an employee or a customer someone will not disappoint. 

For example Black Friday was today. I was looking for a Manga (Anime Comic) which wasn't on sale or apart of some black friday deal. I was just looking for a particular one at this place in the mall. I see nothing but brainwashed idiots running around like armageddon is upon us fighting over shit. At the end of the day it's all "SHIT." Nothing more.

Fuck your tablet I don't give a fuck how much it costs or who made it because it's SHIT! You have 3 flatscreen TV's already why do you need 2 more? You truly see how sad society is when you go out on black friday. You waited in line for shit you won't care for in 3 months? Congrats you're a sheep that waited in line for a bagless vacuum. 

FUCK! I LEFT MY HEADPHONES! 

You know what that means? It means I have a huge invisible sign on my plain ass face that says "HEY TALK TO ME! SWARM ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT! I CANT WAIT TO HEAR IT!" My headphones are the human version of the "No Soliciting" sign. 

Please do not rape me with your small talk. I didn't ask for the small talk and yet here you are trying to force it upon me. 

Sometimes I'm not even listening to shit. I just wear them to keep human interaction away from me. I rather forget my money to shop than my headphones. 

I ONLY HAVE $3.18 ON MY CARD.

I promise I'm not an asshole or an evil man so just bare with me on this. 

Okay I'm broke as fuck. I pay all my bills. Some bills I like to stay 2 months ahead on so I double up and pay them twice. I'm at the register buying a pineapple because it's my favorite fruit. It's the Ferrari of fruits. It cost around 2 bucks then after ringing up my pineapple the cashier asks me as loud as possible ...

"Would like to donate to this particular charity?"

I say no thank you, but that's not enough. The cashier wants to act deaf and pretend they didn't hear me so I say it even louder "NO THANK YOU" and just like that, I look like an insensitive asshole to the cashier and the people behind me. I don't care though. 

This is my problem with this method. I feel it's dishonest. Don't try to guilt me and force me to give to a charity. Set up a separate booth for those causes instead of at the register. I'm always in a rush when I shop too so they're slowing me up with this. They set it up that way to try and make you feel embarrassed to say no. I now have $1.07 on this card til Friday. I'm not giving it up. 

I give back all the time. I'm always giving kids money. If they selling something I give them money for shit I don't even like. I'm talking $20 -$50 at a time. If I see a kid out here hustling or doing something positive I'll give them money faster than I pay myself. 

The Children Hospital linked to my job so I give them money all year round but when you say no to the shit they try and pull at the register they view you as this villain and monster. Just looking at you and judging you. 

THERE'S A PLACE IN HELL FOR YOU.  

I walk into Best Buy. A place I don't need to be because every time I go I leave with 3-5 Blu-Ray's. I am greeted by this guy. He greets me. I greet him back and I'm on my way to the camera section. 

This nigga still following me and talking. My nigga we were done at the entrance what the fuck are you still doing here? Asking me "What kind of phone I have?"

A PHONE THAT FUCKING WORKS YOU CLOWN! 

Before he even waste his time I tell him "I'm not buying no phone bruh. I don't want that shit and that salesman shit don't work on me." He looked at me sad as fuck. I'm the wrong muhfucka to try and force or guilt me to do some shit. I. WILL. HURT. YOUR. FEELINGS. Especially if I'm already doing something I don't like. I'm a "Let shit flow" type of guy.  

I'll tell you no and go on about my business.

I don't go to walmart often but the last time I was there I seen some people selling cable packages in there by the electronics section and this lady was yelling at them which they deserved. The salesman guy was following her trying to sell her a directv package and she started going off on him. 

My dude, she came here to get to the 24 pack of toilet tissue and a 4 pack of lavender glade plugin air freshners not 500 channels with Directv you inconsiderate piece of shit.  

All people who try to sell extra shit while I'm trying to shop have a special place in hell. 

ABORT! ABORT! 

I really dislike shopping for the fact I will run into someone I went to school with and it's always someone you don't like or never had more than 2 conversations with outside of the unfortunate moment of you running into them at Target. 

To everyone I went to school with. From every grade and level. Now is not the time for you to try and catch up with me. I just don't give a fuck about what you have going on. If I did we would already be in touch. 

The conversation is always condescending too. They ask little snarky ass questions like "So how's the LITTLE music/creative thing going?" 

"Hey you unimaginative cock sucker how's your pill and cocaine habit going?"

If I see a person from the past I don't want to see. I will literally go out my way to take a detour and walk all around the store just to avoid the small talk. I don't care how out of the way it is. I'm not dealing with that shit. 

Just give a simple "Wassup." I'll give a "Wassup" back. Glad you're alive and well now let's get back to ignoring each other on our respective social media of choice. Let's not force this. Abort the mission. It won't end well. 

IF YOU DON'T GETCHO FULL CART HEAD ASS .... 

I'm at Aldi's. Takes me literally 1 minute to grab what I need. I go straight to the checkout. This white dude is in front of me. He has a full cart of shit. I'm talking full to the brim. 

I look him dead in his eyes. I'm staring at him and it's taking every ounce of resolve I have not to punch this bitch ass dude in his mouth.

I have 2 items. You bitch made fool ass punk. He was rocking a "Young And Reckless" hat backwards and a "RVCA" shirt so that off top informed me he was a brainless douche. A minute later his girlfriend walks over. Surely she has some manners. NOPE! She looks at my 2 items. Looks at me and then turns around. This dusty ass bootleg Mandy Moore on meth looking bitch has some nerve bruh. 

I yell to the cashier "Aye can anyone help me on this other register?" The line I was in was getting longer behind me and it was the only register open. She radioed back and another employee came out and helped me on another register. She rang me out in 2.2 seconds. 

On my way out I'm just staring at that couple that's STILL waiting in line. Dude just looked down at the floor. I swear I was so pissed. This is why this country isn't shit. People like that. I always let people with like 1 to 5 items go before me if I have a lot of shit. Sometimes I let 2 people go before me. It's the polite thing to do. I don't know why people don't do that. It's common fucking courtesy. 

IS THERE A RARE WOMAN WHO HATES SHOPPING? 

A woman who hates grocery shopping or shopping in general has to be Charizard Pokemon Card rare. I look like a kid on the first day of middle school trying to grocery shop. It's the saddest sight ever. Even with a list I'm awful. Maybe grocery shopping could be tolerable if a woman hates it as much as I do. 

ONE TRIP! 

If you can't take all the bags of groceries to the crib in one trip then you're not a man. You're a child. Only excuse is if you bought furniture, a television, or something extremely fragile. I'll fuck up my rotator cuff carrying groceries before I make a round trip. Real men book one way flights when it comes to the groceries. Don't ever forget that. 

THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET. 

I'm sure I have will have a future home in New York or California and I think you can have groceries delivered to you there. Shit I can probably do it in St.Louis I'm just too lazy to look but thank god for the internet. 

I saw all these people damn near kill each other on black friday when the Internet could've been their friend in their cozy homes. Actually fuck black friday altogether. You were better off not buying shit. Ah well. To each's own. 

Fuck Shopping.