RECAP: INSECURE EP 5 "SHADY AS FUCK"

What a great weekend this was! Around good friends, good weed, good drink, good music. Now we get to choose a person to fuck up the country this upcoming Tuesday but before we we choose between the pussy grabber and lucifer. Let's watch Insecure together guys! =) 

WORLDSTAR!!!!!! 

918 views later and Issa is the talk of the middle school. She's clearly upset and trying to figure out how to take down the video of her legendary performance at open mic night. 

I think Issa should just roll with it. You got a Kim K meme. Julio taught the class a spanish version. Next you can probably get it on a Kidz Bop album. It'll probably be renamed "Broken Cookie." Just sit back and let the checks come in and save your man from Best Buy. Living the dream. 

THE WEEKEND IS OVER

Chris (Jidenna) got the drawls. A whole weekend worth even though his hair looked like Big Red hair after he hung that nigga off the balcony in The Five Heartbeats. Chris must've wore Molly out cause that boy had that "my office hours are from 9 to 5" hair sweat out. 

Molly wastes no time. Clingy, thirsty Molly comes out to play immediately. She wants this nigga to leave suits at her crib. Invites him to her co workers engagement party. The expression on Chris face just says it all. He thinks she crazy. He got the pussy. He don't care no more but Molly does.

While she cheesing in bed and shit I'll bet any amount of money while Chris was walking to the door he was thinking "What in the fuck have I gotten myself into?" All men have had it. The "morning after" regret.  

ROSCOES GOT TALENT 

Lawrence eating at Roscoes with his homie and he tells Lawrence that he's getting married. This scene was interesting to me because it shows how oblivious Lawrence is when it comes to his relationship and just life in general.

Lawrence says he's trying to get his shit together before he marries Issa which I totally understand but when do you know your shit is together? Is he waiting on money? It's like his friend told him "Why don't you get your shit together, together." The realest shit said during that scene besides him saying his future wife head is crazy. Good head is hard to come by. I'd marry her too.

It's what couples do though. They're in it together good or bad and that doesn't seem to be the case for Issa and Lawrence. They don't work as a team they try to solve problems separately. 

The quote shows the disconnect between Issa and Lawrence. We haven't seen Issa offer to help him much especially on the emotional side and we don't see Lawrence step it up outside of finding a job. He thinks the job is his only problem. Nope, that lining is a problem too. Lawrence friend real as fuck for pointing out that rough lining he be having. Shoot your barber Lawrence. 

NIGGAS NEED WINS 

Molly excited as fuck to go to this engagement party with Chris. He texts her he's stuck at work so he'll meet her there. She think he's not coming so she's kind of sad about it and then BAM! Chris comes out of nowhere with his hair back on fleek and introduces himself as Molly's boyfriend. Nigga what???!! 

Molly happily asks Chris what the boyfriend shit was about. That's when I knew this woman has issues. Why are you cheesing at the fact this nigga claimed to be your boyfriend after one date? Any normal woman would've put that shit to bed immediately. The thirst possessed her soul and she giggling about it like a teenager.

Chris basically says he did it out of pity and then hit Molly with the most soul crushing shit "You look like you needed a win." Bruh he said a beautiful black lawyer with a plush apartment in downtown L.A and a salary as fat as Rob Kardashian needed a win. I laughed at that shit so hard. That was some heartless shit to say.

Just like that, Chris perm and pressed hair was gone with the wind and Molly is going out sad yet again. The league is ruining her life. Those Shamar Moore ass niggas not gone save you Molly. Take a shot of that brown liquor and come back to the hood baby. Come back home boo. 

She pops up at Jared crib afterwards unannounced while drunk and threw the pussy at him in 0.5 seconds. Jared did the right thing though and let her crash there. She shouldn't be driving. 

THE LORD. HE HEARD MY CRY. 

When I seen Tasha come into that best buy with her titties pushed up to the heavens. I started humming negro spirituals. All that was missing was a 68 year old lady wearing a church crown hat humming it with me while fanning me down cause it's always hot in black churches. I damn near caught the holy ghost like Mama Payne from Martin when I seen those titties. God is good. Yes he is. All the time. 

Tasha is going all in now. She came up to a nigga job with her titties sitting higher than Tyrone Biggums on the the top of the empire state building so you knew she wanted some dick quick, fast, and in a hurry. She was throwing more signs at Lawrence than a baseball manager to let him know the pussy was on all you can eat buffet mode.

Nobody goes to best buy for batteries. People go to best buy for 60 inch flatscreens. Tasha had other inches in mind. Lawrence oblivious as usual not getting the hints. My nigga those titties were not meant for your co worker Ernest. Fuck Ernest. Our lord and savior sent them to you. I'm yelling at the T.V like I'm watching an NBA game cause this nigga so clueless. 

I'm not condoning cheating but a woman with her titties standing at attention inviting me out to get some Jalapeno poppers and margaritas sounds like a date under $30. Bitch whet?! You got a deal! Plus I'm guaranteed to pickle it like Orlando Brown afterwards? Oh hell yeah we getting it cracking. That's my kind of woman. 

Lawrence reminds her that he has a girlfriend and I shed one single tear watching Tasha and that ass walk away. 

MISS TERIOUS 

Before I get into the studio scene. What is up with every niggas with mohawks on this shit? Lawrence homie had one. The struggle rapping nigga in the studio had one. Daniel no sleeves head ass has one. It's like Oprah was at wardrobe screaming "YOU GET A MOHAWK! YOU GET A MOHAWK! EVERYBODY GETS A MOHAWK!" They giving us niggas with Mohawks like Oprah give away cars and all expense paid trips to New York. 

Daniel lures Issa into the studio for a session with some struggle rapper. He laid down the worse song in history and his homie said the track is dead and deceased. Yeah it is and so is that nigga career. That nigga rap career on the ground and can't get up. Life alert ass rhymes he was spitting. 

After the struggle rappers leave Daniel goes in for the kill. It's time to seal the deal and what better way to do that than ask a old flame "Why weren't we ever official." It's a ex's go to move and has a high success rate in getting you some ass. 

Issa tells him why and Daniel goes in for the kiss. Issa is hesitant and then she like fuck it let's do it. 

Last week this nigga shows up to a place of business with no sleeves. This week this nigga has on no drawls. Daniel gotta love Issa you not just fucking anybody bareback bruh but this nigga had on no drawls. He was straight going commando all fucking day in hot ass California. A nigga that goes commando ain't shit and is trifling. No sleeves? Mohawk? Going commando? 3 strikes! Call the sandman from the Apollo on this nigga and get Daniel the fuck outta here. 

If you gone go bareback you gotta give her the DMX from "Belly" stroke game. It's guy code. 

Issa smiling. Happy because cheating is fun (So I've heard *side eye*). She goes to the bathroom. Mirror in sight but no raps. She looks down and see a lotion pump. That's right. The ghost of Fed up Frank has haunted her conscious. She feels guilty and runs out of there. 

Now I wasn't mad at this scene. I seen it coming episodes ago but Daniel may possibly be a saint. Yes a nigga with a mohawk may possibly be my saint. By making Issa cheat, Lawrence may find out and you know what that means. Lawrence is going to the lost and found to claim the titties he lost at Best Buy that are rightfully his! It's only right! Issa cheated twice. Lawrence deserves a hall pass. 

So with that said I'm end this recap with a prayer. 

Father god I come to you in humble spirit and soul. I know I'm not the most obedient nigga. I used to steal tropical bubblelicious from the gas station when I was 8. Sneak and watch Cinemax after midnight with my finger on the "back" button on the remote when I was 12 all because I wanted to see nekkidness. I repent for all my sins lord. I truly do but if you can just give me one sex scene with Tasha from Insecure lord I'll never ask for anything ever again lord. Just one titty lord. Just one. It ain't even gotta be two. Just bless me lord. I'll be happy man. You're all knowing lord so you know I wanna see Tasha. In your mighty name I pray, Amen. 

Love, Benny available now.