My life has been pretty odd and weird up to this point. A hint of normalcy in there, up's and down's. It's been one big introverted acid trip if I could describe it. I'm still a plain person. You would walk pass me at least once without noticing me if we were in the same building. I actually prefer it that way because I don't like attention.

If you really know me. You know my favorite tv show is Hey Arnold. Can't wait to find a woman that loves that show as much as me so I can share my plain life and fried rice with her. If you know me I don't share food at all so that's a huge step for me. I'm going to give you some episodes that translated to my reality. Hey Arnold was my life. No really. It really was my life.

THE DATE I ALWAYS WANTED = "ARNOLD'S VALENTINE"

In this episode Arnold finally got what he always wanted. A date with his crush Ruth. He made her a Valentine Card asking her out on a date and instead of signing the Valentine with his real name he signed it anonymous. The whole date she thought Anonymous was a poet and Arnold was a bus boy. She never knew Arnold made the Valentine Card partly because Arnold never came out right from the beginning or during the date. She never even said his name right. During their date Arnold really saw how Ruth had no depth to her personality and how self absorbed she was. They had nothing in common and everything Arnold built her up to be was wrong. Ruth ended up going to get ice cream with a waiter who actually worked at the restaurant they were at. Arnold finally realized his fantasy was over.

What does this episode have to do with me? One year I came home from college for the summer and I got message from a girl I went to high school with who I always liked but she would not give me the time of day. I didn't have ANY juice. I was uglier in high school. I'm ugly in 2016 but in high school I was a whole different level of ugly. I didn't upgrade to regular ugly until my senior year when I had money to buy Jersey's, Air Forces, and Dipset Albums on my own and had a 5 inch growth spurt and got skinny. In the message she said she wanted to meet up and catch up so of course I was with it. We went out to eat and the more she talked the more I realized she was wack as fuck. She was just a ball of negativity full of gossip, drama, and meaningless bullshit I didn't want to hear or talk about and she kept telling me I finally grew up so that's why she's now giving me a chance. She was a grade higher than I was and She didn't look as good as she did back then either so the nerve of this girl to tell me that. She was my Ruth except I fucked her a few times and Arnold didn't. So yeah.

WORKING = "CURLY SNAPS"

Fuck work. We only have jobs we hate because of fear. Fear of being homeless. Fear of not having a car. Fear of not surviving. I work in the food industry so I know my job shittier than 98% of the people I come in contact with. I tell people what I make they're surprised that I make that much but that shit don't matter I rather have taco's with a KKK member than work a job I dislike or don't have a passion for. Everyday I wake up and have to go to work I feel like one of favorite characters from Hey Arnold. Thaddeus "Curly" Gammelthorpe. In The episode of "Curly Snaps" Curly was screwed out of his opportunity to become ball monitor for a week causing him to take 499 kickballs in Principal Wartz office and hold the office hostage. Curly patiently waited for his turn, studied the proper ball monitor procedures and etiquette and still didn't get to be ball monitor. It's like when you're at work and you're already being underpaid for your production and they still treat you like shit. Some days you feel like your inner Curly is about to come out and you're going to throw kickballs at everyone at your job. I wouldn't be mad if any you guys take your workplace hostage for a yahoo soda and a meatball sub. Fuck work.

MY STOLEN BONE THUGS TAPE = "COOL JERK"

The episode "Cool Jerk" Arnold befriends a neighborhood tough guy "Frankie G." Arnold never questions why Frankie wants to hang with him until Gerald tells Arnold that he got word from "Fuzzy Slippers" (He knows everything in the skreets and tells no lies) that Frankie G is bad news. Arnold finds out that Frankie wanted new equipment for his studio system and wanted Arnold to steal it for him. Arnold's football head was the only head that could fit in the window of the studio equipment store so that's why Frankie wanted to hang with him.

When I was a kid Bone Thugs N Harmony were in their prime. They dropped their double album "Art Of War" and of course I took the little money I had and bought the 2 tapes. There was this older dude in my neighborhood he was a crip and he locked up today (God bless his soul). We all looked up to him because he was a gangsta. We thought street niggas was cool. I was good friends with his younger cousin so I brought my tapes to his cousin crib to listen to and he was there with his homies (who were all crips too) and he asked could he dub the tapes I said yeah. Long story short he gave me back my tapes replaced with 2 different tapes. He stole my shit on some ho shit. I confronted him about it knowing I'd get my ass beat but I didn't care, wrong is wrong. I ended up getting the 2nd tape back but the 1st one I never got back. I never chopped it up with him again. A dude I thought was the coolest person on earth was a thief. I lost all respect for him. A "Cool Jerk" moment.

VIRGINITY = "GERALD'S SECRET"

Gerald didn't know how to ride a bike. He was the only kid out of his friends who didn't know how and he kept it a secret from everyone. Gerald would have to sit out and watch his homies go on bike rides and pretend like he had other things to do. This was me when I was virgin. All my friends, (I didn't know if they were lying or not) were not virgins. I would always get close but I never could close the deal. It was some sad shit. You know the homies will talk about what went down with their girls and here I am looking like Big Mike from The Wood making out and fingering my girl for 2 hours getting no action. I couldn't say anything when my homies would talk about girls so I would just sit there quiet or try to change the subject on the low. Finally I lost my virginity and I was walking around school like Vince McMahon with Shane McMahon theme song playing in the background. Talking big shit with my homies. Remember when Gerald finally learned how to ride a bike and was flying down the hill against Harold and won the race with no hands on his handlebars at the end? I was no hands in the box. Graphic, Yes I know but it's the truth.

BAD DAYS & YEARS = "THE LIST"

The last 2 years of my life have been rough. I lost a lot of shit to the point I fell back down to ground zero. Seriously ground zero. I lost my independence completely and God humbled me. I never get down on myself. I just get back up and get back in the game. If I complain I can't fix anything. We all have a bad day or year. Arnold tried to complete the list for a kids perfect saturday. He failed. Everything just went wrong for him that day and that episode was literally my 2014 and half of my 2015. I'm not going to say I was a victim and woe is me. Majority of the shit I went through was my fault from me being irresponsible. I'm slowly but surely putting everything back together though so things are getting better as N.E.R.D would say.

BENNY MEETS THE FRIENDZONE = "ARNOLD & LILA"

Arnold dated Lila because of a fluke. Arnold dumps her but then realized he likes her. She never takes Arnold back and he tries to escape the friendzone the rest of the series. I never went through that as an adult but I had the exact same thing happen to me in high school. I dated a chick and we mutually thought it would be better if we were just friends and I thought everything was cool but I had that Arnold moment and thought I made a mistake. I tried to force my way out the friendzone but I couldn't win. She just wasn't having that shit. I was even turning down other girls because I was holding on to this false sense of hope that she would come around and change her mind. Never happened. I just had to take my L like a man and move on.

TAX & REFUND CHECKS = "THE HIGH LIFE"

It's that season right now as I type. The episode "The High Life" Gerald started selling Watches in the neighborhood and he had all the gwop and clout in town. Instead of setting the money aside he started spending his money irresponsibly. Going to the arcade playing 5 arcades at a time. Buying his whole squad ice cream from The Jolly Olly Man. Giving his little sister money just because she's adorable. I was doing shit 10x worse with my refund checks from school. Buying everybody drinks and food. Buying every shoe release. Game systems. I said fuck a bill. The money got low and I looked like a straight ho. My tax checks I would just travel to dumb ass places like NBA All Star Weekends and goofy shit. I spent my tax checks like a thot or instagram honey. Pause. I should've took my tax money and went to Tokyo, Australia, or New Zealand. A life changing trip that can change my life, not a trip where I'm just going to clubs and seeing rappers and models on Xans and coke. Save Money for awesome traveling.

MY FIRST STRIP CLUB = "OSKAR CAN'T READ"

Oskar the boarding house mooch didn't know how to read and I didn't know how to act in a strip club. Same thing. Oskar was pretending like he knew how to read and hiding it from his roommates. I was hiding that I never been to a strip club but pretending I had been. When I first went I think I blew over $300-400 because I didn't know how to finesse it right. How do you ask your homies how to have proper and frugal strip club etiquette? They'd laugh in my fucking face so I was a lamb in a building full of naked wolves with phat asses. Every pair of titties I saw, I gave money to. Good shape, bad shape, big, small, didn't matter. They seen me throwing out 5's and 10's instead of 1's like it wasn't shit and flocked over to me for a easy payday. I left broke and felt like a chump. Once Oskar learned how to read he couldn't get enough of it. He kept reading the book about the kitty. Kitty Kitty Kitty, I want to pet the Kitty. I too wanted to pet the kitty except the kitty was on Jasmine twerking to "Knock It Out" by Yung Joc and I wanted to pet it with 2 dollar bills instead of 2 ten dollar bills like I was before. I'm not big on strip clubs now but I'm definitely the king of making $20-40 stretch in all my visits to the strip club today.

THE BUBBLEHEADS = "THE HAUNTED TRAIN"

I don't know if the Missouri urban legend is true. I remember me and my homies was driving on Carrico trying to see if they existed. Just driving all through North County with a bottle of E&J, drinking light thinking we heavyweights. Arnold, Gerald, and Helga went to see if the haunted train existed and it was an adventure. The night we went looking for the bubbleheads was probably one of the most fun nights I ever had. I was hoping I'd get into some shit like I see in horror movies. Someone like Michael Myers chasing me and shit. Sounds crazy but that sounds fun. No nigga in dirty boots with a dickies jumpsuit, and mask holding a knife is catching me.

"THEY" DON'T LIKE YOUR CRUSH = "HEY HAROLD"

This episode was about Harold's first crush. Harold claimed he didn't like girls like any normal boy his age would say just to cover up the fact that he does. Harold went to a party Rhonda threw and he met Patty (Big Patty) who was a girl who liked boys but boys were afraid of her or thought she wasn't attractive. Harold bonds with Patty at the party and he asks Patty on a date. They hang out together the next day and have a great time enjoying each other company. Harold promises to eat lunch with Patty at school since Patty always eats by herself and their date is over. Sid and Stinky (Harold's friends) see Harold with Patty and gives him a hard time about it and makes fun of Patty and Harold goes along with it to be accepted by his friends. Harold finally realizes the only opinion that matters is his own and Patty's and he goes to eat lunch with Patty like he promised and promised to beat anybody ass who talks about his crush. A real stand up guy Harold was. I've had this happen to me a couple times. People not approving of women I like whether it's rumors about them, their past, their looks, or their personalities that they disapprove of. I always noticed the people that had something to say were miserable themselves. I can't front sometimes it would get to me but as I matured I started to not give a fuck about what anybody thought about anyone I dated. Don't worry about what I see in a woman just know that I like her and that only changes when I say so.

Is there anything Hey Arnold can't do?

- BENNY