DOUBT S**T...... ALL THAT S**T

Been having this stage of doubting myself and doubting pretty much every idea around me and I couldn’t understand where that feeling was coming from. I wanted to get rid of it ASAP. Initially I thought I was stressed the fuck out from doing too much. I work 2 jobs, write, podcast, my nigga I’m tired but of course I doubted that was the reason so I was just really confused. 

I realized something after I got home last Saturday night. I was watching “My Hero Academia” and one of the characters was going through this stage of doubt where he doubted the use of his abilities and existence. When I seen that I started to think about what doubt really is and the part doubt has played in my life and the history of time. 

I am a college dropout. I’ve never liked school. I wasn’t a good student at all. I have poor grammar. My English teachers praised my creative thinking when I would write papers but would always tell me to practice my grammar more. I’m not good at math or problem solving. I graduated high school with a D average. I BARELY made it. I didn't give a fuck. If I’m not interested in it then I don’t care. So when I barely graduated high school, college was out of the question for me because I doubted that it would ever be beneficial to me. I didn’t know what I was gonna do but college was not the move. Then I was told by my elders that if I get through college then life after it wouldn’t be so difficult financially and they were worried about where my life was going so I thought “Fuck it, just 4 more years and I’m done with this dumb shit forever and I can get paid.” They sold me the idea of college on the premise that it was a sure thing and fail proof. 

All I received from college is astronomical debt, alcoholism, unprotected sex, ramen noodles, and some friends. The friends I made is the only thing I cherish from my time in college. So here’s the lesson. I say all that to say..... stick with your doubts. 

Almost everything I doubt there’s something creatively special tied to that doubt. I doubt my skills as a screenwriter. I actually think I’m awful at it. I have zero structure. I’ll seriously hire someone to clean up my writing. I’m just a nigga who loves to get the ideas out of my mind and I’ll deal with the mistakes later but it’s the self doubt in my abilities that makes me come with those cool ideas. 

I didn’t doubt college and that’s why nothing came of it. I bought into the idea of a sure thing. That feeling of certainty low key ruined my life financially. There’s no effort with certainty because you feel you have it figured out and there’s no need to change. Nothing evolves. If it doesn’t evolve it’s dead or on it’s way to death. 

I urge creative people to doubt all this shit out here. Doubt what you see. Doubt what you’re being taught. There’s nothing wrong with that mindset. Innovation comes from doubt. When it was recommended I blog I doubted the blog world. All the advice I read about blogging I doubted and I did it on my own way which I was unsure of but that doubt of the “right way” to blog made this blog special and gave me opportunities to do cool shit. Everything that you think is legendary, innovative, groundbreaking I’m willing to bet that doubt helped create it. Doubt is how we grow. 

Self doubt is the same way. Every compliment I get from writing is good but I don’t see in myself what an outsider sees. I don’t know why it’s just the way I am I guess. It’s gotten to the point where I seek out criticism. I always think people are afraid of me and only tell me good things, so I will look for the harshest criticism I can find. My self esteem about my writing isn’t that high. I guess it’s only because I’ve been writing for only 2 years and that’s why I don’t think I’m that great but the self doubt is what makes me so persistent and have this tenacity to write everyday. If I really felt like I’m great I don’t think I’ll create anything better from that feeling than the feeling of self doubt. It’s this battle within me to prove that I’m not a worthless writer.

Doubt is what changes shit. Imagine if your favorite artist never doubted things, asked questions, been afraid to not know shit. They wouldn’t be the artist they are today. That feeling of doubt I’ve been having means there are better ideas that I need to tap into. 

Doubt this blog post if you want. I’d be proud. 

Peace