REAL N***A ESSENTIALS FOR WINTER
It’s winter. We all know winter is trash as an adult. Skinny nigga. Fat nigga. Skinny thick niggas whatever you are winter is mid. Any season where I’m not seeing cheeks outside comfortably is trash. The best we can do is just prepare and have the essentials. So here are some essentials for the streets to deal with winter.
A ski mask. I don’t condone robbery unless a bitch owe you money and playing in your face but the ski mask is for when you run outta weed and your plug out in the street bouncing they ass playing and a snow storm comes and you’re tree-less and now you gotta go out in a blizzard just to get a gram. The ski mask will give you the warmth of 6 Meg Thee Stallions in a Honda Civic. Don’t rob your plug tho. I know you mad but stall em out Deebo.
Good body butters. But not any body butter. I’m talking bout body butters that have you smelling like a freshly cooked waffle. If a shorty don’t wanna taste you after you put the body butter on throw that away my pal. You flavorless. You’re Cane’s chicken.
Big ass flannel. Some niggas are wearing nothing but hoodies. Skinny street niggas only have a 30 clip and a Nike Tech Suit to keep them warm in the winter but I only wear a big ass flannel in the winter. Classic red and black. Shorties can steal every hoodie I own and I wont give a fuck but my flannel I will go to war over. I will play “Run up Get done up” and we gone take it there. Flannels are better than all the other shit. I enjoy dressing like a grunge rock fan in a pair of airwalks obsessed with Nirvana in 1991.
A big ass dry erase board with colored sticky notes and other markers. You need this to make a visual plan of how you’re going to shit on niggas when the first day you’re able to drink tequila outside with some tacos. I mean you can plan for your goals for the spring summer and fall on it too but I’ll also add on it how ravishing and gorgeous as fuck I’m going to be when the sun quit being a hoe and bring it up to 65 degrees. I’m basically in the crib all winter just marinating how fine and wavy I am but when I finally step outside I’m gonna look like I’m falling off the bone. Delicious.
Buy as many packs of white tees a you can get. I might just buy 20 packs of white tees and put em in a safe or just stare at them while I’m drinking a glass of scotch just to remind myself of why I’m nothing like these other niggas and what a journey it has been for me to become THAT nigga.
Good lip balm. Your lips shouldn’t look like the potholes on Grand my G. It’s winter so it’s gonna get even worst. Get you some Chanel Hydra Lip Balm.
Get you a good jail house workout plan. You don’t need a gym. 100 squats. 100 pushups. 100 sit-ups. 4 days a week and you gone be cut up like a nigga in a Michael Myers movie. I’m gonna come out in Spring wearing nothing but my robe with my chest showing covered in gold chains.
Get you some high quality covers. You can’t be sleeping with comforters from Wal mart and Target. I love target but nah G. I ain’t going. That’s why yall niggas skin be breaking out. You sleeping under padded sandpaper. Get you a UGG comforter and a UGG throw cover. LaCrosse Down comforter set with the microfiber in it. You under the right comforter you feel like the middle of a Cinnabon. Stop playing and get the flagstone velvet quilt so you can get some mouf comfortably on top of it.
Get some high quality space heaters. The gas bill is higher than childcare in the winter. Don’t get those cheap ass space heaters. I’m talking space heaters so toasty that shorty will be making smoothies for you naked in your polo socks with no complaints. She forgot she anemic.
Some nice warm thighs. Whether the thighs are covered or not they are some of the best pillows ever. If her thighs don’t make you want to ask her “Can you leg drop me?” Those thighs are not meant for you. Thighs are the best and only ear muffs I’ve ever owned in my life.
A cabin trip is the only place you need to go. It’s essential. You take a bunch of fly ass winter fits on the trip with you. You do a photo shoot. You document that shit. You could get extra a rock a fur like you fought a grizzly bear and nobody helped the bear. You can sit in the jacuzzi like Diddy in the “Big Poppa” music video champagne bottle in your hand outside looking at snow capped mountains n shit. Playing every drinking game you can think of. Cooking fire ass food. Big blunts. Fuck around and snowboard on some Otto Rocket type shit. Just gives me an excuse to wear snow goggles.
Hot cocoa and titties. Itty bitty titties. Big titties. Pancake areola titties. All titties are needed in the winter. You ever seen a shorty wear a scarf with her titties underneath? It’s some real funny artistic shit. Just makes you want to pour up a vintage wine and write a memoir bout the titties and the scarf. Saying shit like “The sight of those titties maketh me feedeth upon thee” Writing sonnets about titties watching the snowflakes fall is therapeutic.
Dark Tequila and Whiskey. If you’re drinking white tequila in the winter you’re a child. My liquor gotta be darker than Neo Soul music in the winter.
Shrooms. Do shrooms and get answers to questions that the world may never know. Like “Why skinny hood girls have the strength of Thanos or why your family doesn’t have a cornbread recipe that’s been passed down from generation to generation? Do shrooms and watch Belly or Monsters Inc.
Peace
