A POLITE REVIEW: MORTAL KOMBAT

I went into this with no expectations. I don’t give a fuck about character development. I don’t give a fuck bout writing. I don’t give a fuck about the plot. Just keep me entertained meaning I wanna see crazy fights, funny cheesy ass moments and cool ass fatalities. The shit that Mortal Kombat is known for. Mortal Kombat fans are here for BLOOD. It’s really that simple. 

Well it looks like it wasn’t that simple cause this movie was ASS. 

I watched it twice and just to be sure and catch things I thought I missed and yeah….. ASS.

The movie started off FYE!!! The fight between Scorpion and Sub Zero was beautiful. I stood up like I was losing at NBA2K because that fight was serious and it set the stage wonderfully for the movie. I was like OKAY THIS HOW THEY COMING!!! I really thought I was about to see greatness after that first fight. 

I did not see greatness. After that moment the movie takes a huge nose dive. Actually it became mid after the Jax & Sub Zero fight. 

Let me talk about what I liked in the movie first. 

While it’s on my mind, Mileena was thicker than church grits. That was great. Cheeked up with shark teeth. Shoutout to her. 

Kano. Kano. Kano. Best character by far. Every scene he was in he stole. Kano was talking shit to everybody whether they were good or bad. He lived up to his mercenary profession. His loyalty goes to the highest bidder. He was great in the film from his introduction til the end. They could make a Kano solo film and I’d pay for that. 

Sub Zero was greatness. All his fights were dope. The scene where he hunts down Cole and his family at the ice cream spot was dope then that led to the fight with Jax which was a great fight with a brutal ending. He also had the final fight at the end which was good so Sub Zero as the villain was fire. 

That’s where it ends for me as far as what’s good about the movie. This is the part where we go into ASSland. 

All I took away from the movie was that thank God Kano and Sub Zero were in it. Kano was the only one that felt like a character. Everyone else were just there in costumes. 

Remember in the Temptations movie where David Ruffin came late to a performance and introduced the group as David Ruffin and The Temptations and it pissed everybody off? Well Kano can do that shit and I don’t think anyone would be upset about it. Call the group Kano and The Boredoms. 

There’s no chemistry between the good guys in this movie. The movie doesn’t have to be good for the characters to align with each other.  Sonya, Liu, Jax and Cole have zero chemistry with each other. Again without Kano this shit would be a bigger train wreck. The 90’s Mortal Kombat was ASS too but the one thing that was great about it was that Johnny, Liu, and Sonya had real good chemistry as a team and as characters. It felt like they bought into the overall goal. This is missing from the 2021 movie which doesn’t help since the plot is already weird. 

Cole Young has to be the most boring leading jabroni I’ve seen in a film. Nothing about him is intriguing. No flare. No humor. No physicality. Cole is a walking Joyner Lucas song. You can remove Cole from the movie and you wouldn’t even notice. You cant name one great moment from Cole in this movie. Don’t lie and say you can because that’s cap. Even his ability was trash. His ability was getting his ass beat and not contributing anything of value to the assignment. If you’re going to introduce a new character that character better be memorable. Cole was coleslaw. Cole was Hardees. Nobody eats Hardees because nobody gives a fuck about Hardees except racists and people over 300 pounds. Cole had no memorable fights. How the fuck do you fight Goro and it’s not memorable? Since we’re here, WHY WAS GORO ASS??? Goro pummels people. I needed to see pummeling. Cole being held by the 2 lower arms and getting the shit beat outta him with the top 2 arms. A Hollister mannequin turned Goro into a pack. Unbelievable but the deaths in Mortal Kombat I don’t care about because people come back often in that universe so it’s not a big deal but for some reason it still pissed me off. 

The fights in this movie were weird to me except for the Sub Zero fights because they would be really toned down with no intensity and looked like fights in a Marvel film up until the end of them because of course the end of them would be so gruesome with the fatalities. For example the guy who played Sub Zero was in one of my favorite action movies ever “The Raid” the fights in The Raid were brutal start to finish. It felt like somebody is going to die seeing the force the punches and kicks had. Thats why all of Sub Zero fights were good because the actor played in the greatest fighting film ever. He knows what he’s doing. I thought that would be the route of The Raid is where Mortal Kombat would go. The Raid has terrible acting, a simple plot, but a LOT of violence. It’s just pure violence start to finish. That’s what I wanted in Mortal Kombat. Why do these punches look light? Where’s the broken bones during the fight? A lot of the fights just didn’t have that sauce to em. The fight choreography just wasn’t there. 

Liu Kang and Kung Lao were BORRRRRRRRRIIIIIING!!! They were so uninteresting that it truly hurt my feelings. Without Kung Lao having the best fatality in the movie and Kano demanding him to pass him an egg roll like a bitch what do you remember from Kung Lao? We’ve been begging for this character be in a movie. I forgot what Liu Kang even fucking did in this movie. Liu Kang was flat-out weak. That’s how irrelevant he was. Liu Kang supposed to be beating people ass disrespectfully. I don’t know this therapist Liu Kang that I saw in this movie. 

The only fights that stood out after the Jax and Sub Zero fight was Sub Zero and Scorpion. Scorpion “Get over here” was trash but whatever. The rest of the fights were just thrown together and I didn’t really care for. They didn’t leave any impact. 

Kabal saying “He’s about to get his soul sucked” was the only thing I remember forreal at the end cause it made me laugh and I put it in my texts drafts for future text and DM execution. 

I guess this movie is setting up the sequel with the actual tournament and there will be a sequel because I know the box office numbers and streams are going to be massive and Hollywood is about that money so it will get made but I can’t say I’m excited for the next one even with Johnny Cage making his appearance who I predict will be the savior like Kano was in this film. 

Overall I expected bad acting and cheesy shit. I expected the world to be very outlandish. I expected a plot that wouldn’t be good. I actually want all that in a Mortal Kombat movie because Mortal Kombat isn’t supposed to have substance. Mortal Kombat supposed to have violence but I didn’t expect to be as bored as I was. When the lead character is boring and the story is centered around him there’s no way the movie can be fun because that character is going to have the most scenes and the most action. Only 3 fights were memorable & 2 were at the beginning & 1 was at the very end. That’s crazy. 

I’m just glad I didn’t take out a loan to go to the movies and see this shit. I laid in my bed and turned on Invincible episode 7 immediately after this value pack of ass. The 90’s Mortal Kombat is better than this which I never thought I would say. It’s better than Annihilation but what isn’t better than Annihilation? I guess the Scorpion movie is the best MK movie we’ve received.

I have no reason to watch this shit again. Hopefully part 2 learns from the mistakes.

Peace