RECIPROCATION

The word of the day is reciprocation.  

I really struggle with reciprocation. I struggle with understanding kindness versus reciprocation. I know the definition of reciprocity but struggle with the fine line between the two. Let me explain what I mean. 

When I do things for other people, the majority of the time I do not expect anything in return. I really like making people's day. That’s the definition of kindness. I am also human so the more I do something out of kindness and I’m not even receiving any kindness in return I start to think “Hold up. Do they have me fucked up?” 

I get upset and then I calm down and try to get a broad view of these situations. I try not to focus on a single situation where I feel the energy I give isn’t being reciprocated. I always focus on the type of relationship I have with people. 

I start to feel bad if I ask myself “Am I being taken advantage of” because I’m going against the definition of kindness. Is it wrong to tell people how I feel? How do I approach anyone with these feelings? I start to feel selfish for wanting the same energy I give to be returned. 

It’s like this ping pong match in my spirit. On one hand I feel I’m not supposed to expect anything in return but on the other hand I feel if you cared about me in any capacity you would make an effort to reciprocate the kindness I give to you. You don’t even have to match it or surpass what I do for you. Just make an effort to show me that it isn’t one sided. 

I was taught that the more I give the more fulfilled I would be and the more joy I would experience but for some reason I always feel like I’m being taken advantage of so I feel that this makes me a selfish person. 

It’s just been very difficult for me because in one sense I always feel like nobody owes me nothing regardless of what I give them but on the other hand it’s difficult to not feel like you’re owed the same energy you give. 

Sidebar. This happens so much in spaces where creatives are. 

There’s always that person who begs for support and craves support for whatever they’ve created and if you don’t support what they have going on you’re seen as a hater for not supporting them but when it’s their turn to support others they are nowhere to be found. 

They leech off genuine people and use them for their benefit. It’s such bitch made activity I just can’t tolerate. These are usually the worst individuals to be around. 

I will say as a creative, when people you thought fucked with your shit don’t support it in any capacity it’s very annoying. They won't even mention it until they see you in person and the energy is different. They’re singing your praises and how great you are in your face but it’s truly all bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about that shit today because everything I create is for me but back then that shit annoyed me. It’s very fake. 

It just annoying to live in a world where some people only exist to take and never give and once you stop giving you’re the villain. 

But back to scheduled programming. To be clear I’m talking about reciprocity in all forms. Especially from an emotional standpoint.

I love listening to people, especially if they want to vent to me. I’m open to just being all ears but when it’s too much to ask to share my feelings, interests, and thoughts in the same manner that’s where I take it personal. 

It’s like those cliche sayings we hear. 

“Who heals the healer?” 

“The considerate needs to be considered.”

You know real twitter quote page type shit. 

You know what? It just hit me while I was typing this. What if people don’t know how to reciprocate? If they don’t know how to then it’s likely that they never had to. It could also be that they never experienced it in their environment. If they never had anyone invest in their needs maybe I shouldn’t expect them to invest in other people’s needs. Empathy and trust are the price of admission for all of this. 

I guess the answer to all of this is that giving and taking needs to be balanced in life because it balances all the relationships we have in our lives. You can't have one without the other.

Love, Benny