THEE UPDATE

At first I was like “I don’t owe nobody shit” when I thought about writing this but I realized I was wrong because a lot of you have supported me for a long time and I really owe it to yall to explain why I haven’t posted anything on this blog in basically 2 months. I’m just here to update yall on what I’ve been up to and check in with yall because yall deserve that. 

I stopped writing all together since May 12th. This is the first thing I’ve written since then. I just stopped writing all together. I wish I had some amazing self discovery story to tell you but I don’t. It wasn’t because I fell outta love for writing or no shit like that. It wasn’t because of this current pandemic we’re in. I just had this feeling to stop. So I stopped. I’m very intuitive. I don’t wanna say I’m right all the time based off my intuition but I’m always very close to the bullseye when it comes to my intuition regarding situations and people. Especially people. I can read people like a children’s book. It’s too easy. My intuition told me to stop writing so I did. I didn’t overthink it. I didn’t question it. I just stopped. 

I was still podcasting but that was the extent of my creativity. I wasn’t reading as much as I normally do. Every day was just a blur. I kinda just woke up everyday and existed. I went out of town to see a friend off overseas and that was very exciting to be around loving and loyal people to think and talk about our past, present, and future. It was definitely one of those perspective trips. I wasn’t reflecting on no beach staring at sunsets or sunrises. I wasn’t reflecting on top of a mountain overlooking a city. I was at my friend Theo house watching Rick & Morty just talking about the simple things in life. Nothing deep or inspiring. 

Of course you have the weird ass police killing my people so I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and listening while all the protests and sickening behavior from the police have been going on. Seeing racists who I knew but didn’t know they were racists get exposed. The only things I have been reading are books from my people. Currently reading an Angela Davis book. I really want to just read books written by black women for the time being so I can understand even more what my daughter will be up against. My daughter is really outspoken and demands attention and respect and I want to water that seed the best way I can. Rest in power to every black life lost because of the police. We up against a system that evil in every term imaginable but we’re stronger and we will change all that shit. 

Majority of this hiatus I was just being a dad. Not going to lie to you, it’s the hardest shit I’ve ever done in my life and it’s only going to get harder but it’s worth it. I can’t really create when I have my daughter with me but my daughter is always happy to see me and after a long day of work that really makes me feel important and I’m reminded that her validation is the only validation I want and care for. I had my first Father’s Day. It was okay kinda overrated to me but shoutout all the dads out there. Anyway my child is turning 1 this month so I’m excited about that. Can’t really do the huge party thing with the pandemic going on but that’s not a big deal to me or her anyway. She’s 1, she won’t remember it. So all the gifts I’ve bought (and still buying) are catered to it’s usage over time. My mother turned 60 and had dinner at home with her siblings. I didn’t attend because of the pandemic and didn’t wanna risk my health but once things become safer I’m going to give her the party she deserves. We don’t see eye to eye on things all the time but she’s never been a bad mother. She’s an even better grandmother. But yeah my daughter turning 1 has been on my mind since April and it’s because I haven’t known my child a full year. I went through different circumstances so I missed her birth, doctor appointments, and all of those things. I assume the joy of a man finding out that their child is on the way to this world is some cool and beautiful shit so I envy that. When I found out I was her father after she was born my life came to a screeching halt and I didn’t really have time to feel anything I immediately just went into survival mode and I had to adjust quick but luckily my mom has been my MVP and I wouldn’t be a decent father without her helping me.

If I had to grade myself as a dad so far I’m a C+ I’m just good at the normal things like buying anything she needs, changing diapers, cleaning up after her and spending time with her. Where I want to improve is my patience with her and reminding myself she’s a baby and she’s really unable to listen to me. She likes to jump and climb on things with no regard of how dangerous it is so she’s always scaring me and I constantly have to tell her to get down or chill out. She’s very persistent and determined so it’s hard but we’ll just curve that same persistence and determination towards things that won’t give her physical scars. We’ll curve it to knowledge. We’ll get there. 

I also helped one of my best friends get through a very fucked up time and the situation that transpired was really eye opening and disappointing but I learned so much from it and so did he. We really talked for hours about forgiveness and what that means to us. Everyone’s definition of forgiveness is different. He had a conversation, he forgave, washed his hands clean, and was ready to move on with his life without certain people in it. My definition of forgiveness is a little different. I don’t need closure. I don’t want a conversation. I don’t wanna be around you or talk to you. You go your way. I go mine. Not everyone is entitled to your forgiveness yet alone a conversation and we talked about this a few times. I learned that everyone definition of respect and disrespect isn’t the same also. I’ve always known this but to see it unfold in real time will really have you questioning a lot of things. There’s some things people tolerate that I don’t tolerate. Can’t say if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but I always believed if no one is being harmed by my actions then we good. Go live your life. 

I’m not in shape since I refuse to go to the gyms and I can’t really workout much when I have my daughter but this has been the second hardest part of my hiatus. I used to be able to cancel out if I ate poorly by working out. Now if I eat poorly I don’t workout at all. The good news is recently I came up with a good health/fitness system without the gym and cancelled my membership since I won’t be going back til at least next year because of the pandemic. I don’t care if the gyms are open I’m not risking that at all. That’s the last place you should be. 

I am now working on my first book. I know I’ve been promising this for years but I’m finally in the right headspace for it. I guess that’s why I haven’t been blogging. I’m almost finished and the hard part which is the writing should be done by the end of this month then August I focus on the fancy shit like covers and marketing. I can’t wait for you guys to read it. I think it’s going to help a lot of people and that was my goal. I don’t care about how many copies I sell. I care about how many people I help. I get to dedicate my book to my daughter too so I’m super fucking excited about that. Can’t wait to give her a copy so she can chew on it and rip it apart. She loves ripping paper so my book won’t be any different. 

I haven’t watched much anime either nor posted on my YouTube channel in a long time because my daughter won’t allow me to. She only wants to watch Pokemon or T.O.T.S but I’m slowly getting back to posting content. Luckily people are still subscribing and interacting with my channel. I think anime vlogging is my next calling so I’m definitely going to dive deeper into that and also learn more. I’m currently watching Mob Psycho 100 season 2 and I am going to resume Bleach really soon. Haven’t purchased any new anime either.

Last but certainly not least. Moving! Moving! Moving! Getting a new place is the top of my list. Did a virtual tour of one place last week but I wasn’t feeling it but the people were nice. Finding the right temporary space for my child to tear up paper in is really hard but I will succeed. I only say temporary because I’ve seen the home I will own in my future. I just gotta stay on the path I’m on. A lotta God. A lotta faith. A lotta grind. I’m always the underdog in everything that comes my way. The odds are always against me. I always get obstacles that other people don’t get but I don’t care. I always feel I’m going to win. I don’t complain. I don’t ask why. I just apply more pressure. I just play ball and make what I feel is the best move for me. Not just because it’s the productive thing to do but because I love having a testimony to tell people in the future who may go through the same things. 

That’s all I’ve been up to. Just putting my best foot forward and staying POLITE. I pray everything is going well in all yall lives too. 

PEACE